It's April 22, 2006. I think you figured that out already because this blog page lists the date. Anyway, The quote at the top of the page is burning a hole into my mind. For more than a year at this blog site, I have advocated living from your true heart. I have prompted you to search the depths of your soul for that thing that God has planted there, refine it, then ride it for all it's worth. To offer a passion to Jesus and ask Him to make your all-consuming life's work.
But this author sits. Frustrated. Running in circles like a carousel horse. Feeling like life is passing by so fast and I'm missing it.
Let's be honest for a minute. Tricia and I are doing wonderfully. I was able to pour my heart out to her last night. I cried like a baby. I don't know if she fully understands the pretzel-like state of my heart right now. I don't even really get it. Before February, I don't know if I would have even dared to expose weakness to her. I may have, but I probably would've bottled it right back up. She was trying to pull out of me what I wanted to do. There's really so much. All of it has to do with serving the Lord in ministry 24/7/365. Whether it's writing, preaching and teaching, music...it doesn't matter. I love all of those things and want to do them and get paid to do them.
Can I speak freely? Of course I can, this is my blog...I hate selling hearing aids. I can't stand it. Like Gary Barkalow was asked one time, when he was struggling to raise support for Athletes in Action - "You really hate doing this, don't you?". I'm just waiting for a patient to look me in the eye and ask me that. The days I'm doing really well I tolerate it. Well, I guess this isn't so bad. I can do this, if I have to. I've had days where sales have been good and I still don't want to be there. I am fickle, no doubt about that. But I'm not getting any younger.
God has put so many different talents within me. I'm not bragging. I'm an awesome drummer. I love doing it. It comes so easily for me. I'd love to play all the time. Professionally! But that would involve traveling. Being away from Tricia and the kids? Not such a great plan. Not when we're finally doing good. Tricia and I have been prophecied over that we're going to be double-barrel ministry, both handling and teaching the Word. I'd love that, and I think Tricia and I finally would make a good team that way. But there's a part of me that doesn't want to invest in people. I just want to be left alone. I'm afraid of people rejecting me if I try to open up and dive too far into their junk. I'd rather just play drums. But I'm hiding if I do that.
Then, it seems like every time I try to step out and get involved in ministry, it seems like I get stonewalled. I ask for the door to be open. Nope, sorry. Why don't you just sit there and wait? I'm tired of waiting. When is it going to be my turn? I want to do something that makes me come alive! But I'm sitting here dying! AAAAAAAAA! Someone listen to me! Give me an opportunity! Take me away from this unfulfilled life I'm living! Help me matter!
So, the journey begins again. I'm not quitting this time. This is it. The final battle. Luke vs. Darth Vader II. I will not be denied until my life is set right. I'm going to set priorities, make a checklist and devote myself to self-examination, "cleaning out the closet", and moving on. No more spinning in circles. I'm ready to live, ready to breathe, ready to take in everything. Ready to love, ready to shine, ready to live this life of mine.
Are you ready too? I would hope that through my writing my thoughts, hopes and fears down here, I'd be able to inspire you as well. This is the writing passion part. I remember getting that fortune in the cookie a few years ago, that said, "You have a passion for words, someday you'll write a book." Wow, did my heart jump up! Then, last November, I did! But there's more. Like Craig said, "There's SO MUCH more." Let's saddle up. The adventure begins again...
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