Holy stinkies! It's been a week since I've updated!

Hey, everyone! Between trying to get my word count up and working and our family trip to North Carolina, which concluded today, I've been very negligent about posting updates here. But here you go - the last seven days or so. I'm currently at 35,571, well on my way to 50,000. Enjoy -

Two security guards waited inside the stage door of the convention center, ready to lead Steven out to a car that was waiting to take him to a motel outside of town where he would spend the night. Dr. Singleton helped Steven into the bathroom so Steven could splash some water on his face before his journey into public for the first time since the events of this day became public.
The news of Steven’s activities at the Oasis Lounge quickly became a national news story. Eleven o’clock newscasts led with breaking news from Chicago, where the new president of the National Evangelical Union had been videotaped by undercover officers pleasuring himself at a sex shop. The police where there looking to bust what ever they could at the Oasis Lounge that afternoon and evening - drugs, prostitution, or other illegal things. They eventually arrested three performers for sexual contact with paying customers, a form of prostitution; and four “customers” for public lewdness, one of them supposedly being Rev. Steven Hassmann. Undercover videotape showed Steven in one of the rooms at the Lounge, preparing to masturbate. Night vision videotape of Steven was being shown on news programs all over the country.
It didn’t long - maybe two hours - for the media to latch on to this story and made it their next sensational news event: “Spiritual Leader Caught With His Pants Down”, the evening edition of the Chicago Gazette read. Cable news channels went with wall to wall coverage, revealing a nation’s shock and surprise that one of its most trusted spiritual leaders was a sexual addict. Reporters began the shredding, piece by piece, of any integrity Steven had with the public. Shocked Spring Arbor residents were interviewed in the streets, having to explain how they didn’t know their esteemed minister was such a disgusting man who were naturally shocked by the reports. Other pastors were paraded across the screen with intense scrutiny, needing to explain how one of their own could do such horrible things. These pastors also had to stand up for the church as a whole. The attitude of many of the reporters seemed to accuse all pastors and church leaders of being hypocrites. Psychologists were presented to try and explain the mental state of someone like Rev. Hassmann, and how he could keep such a perverted life hidden for so long. Investigative reporters were dispatched to find out all the dirt they could on Steven. They talked to people at Woodlawn and Summerset, most of whom had never met Steven. It became a feeding frenzy all about Rev. Steven Hassmann, “The Pornographic Pastor”.
The side alley was a sea of activity. Reporters, still cameras, video cameras, boom microphones and flood lights were held up in the alley around the car, like an army batallion, waiting to attack the on-coming horde. Inside the auditorium, Steven gathered himself, knowing full well what waited for him on the other side of the door. The journey past the media would only be twenty feet or so, but he knew it would seem like a lifetime. He took a deep breath and looked over at Dr. Wiloughby.
“I’m sorry I’m putting everyone through this. I never wanted it to be this way.”
“We know,” Dr. W gave Steven a bear hug, as a show of support. “I’m going with you to the motel. We need to brief you on the way as to what Ray and I have set up for you and what’s going to happen here.”
“Does Heather know what’s happening?”
“Yes. She was heading to Shortville, but the media - those bastards! - almost ran her off the road trying to get a statement from her.”
“Is she alright?” Steven was sincerely concerned.
“Oh, yes. You know Heather, the toughest cookie of them all. She ended up almost running them off the road. I hope they have it on tape. I’d like to see that! Anyway, we sent a policeman to her to escort her back to your home. Breeanna’s there with her.”
Steven began to cry again, thinking about how his fourteen year old daughter is taking the news.
“Steven, Breeanna’s fine, also. She’s a chip off your mother’s block. As her mother and she were walking back into the house, the media was screaming nasty questions at them. She turned around, looked at them and fired back, ‘I love my dad, you hear me! I LOVE MY DAD!’. They’re both standing with you. You’re a lucky man, Steven.”
“Yeah, Dr. Wiloughby. I know.”
“We need to leave.” Dr. W said to Steven and to the waiting security guards.
The sea of reporters in the alley surged as the door opened and Steven, Dr. W and the guards quickly passed by. Light bulbs flashed and reporters bombed the passing entourage with questions -
“Rev. Hassmann, why was your luggage at the Oasis Lounge?”
“Rev. Hassmann, does your wife know about your sexual history?”
“How can you reconcile being a pastor with that type of lifestyle?”
Steven didn’t hear much of the questioning. It was an eight second journey from the door to the car. He and Dr. W quickly jumped into the car and the door was slammed behind him. In an instant, the car sped off out of the alley, onto Martin St. toward the interstate.
In the car, Dr. Wiloughby laid out Steven’s agenda. He would be staying at a motel tonight under constant surveillance, so that the media wouldn’t hound him or he wouldn’t try to run away. Another car would come by at 7:30 in the morning to take Steven to O’Hare, where a chartered plane is waiting to take Steven to Montana. He will meet another car at the airport in Helena, which will take him to Liberty Hills.
“How long will I be there?” Steven wondered.
“There are three-month, six-month, or one year programs,” Dr. W explained. “I understand it all depends on the pace of your recovery.”
“So I’m just going to be sitting in counseling sessions all day?”
“Oh, no,” Dr. Wiloughby corrected Steven. “You’re a resident of the program just like every other guy there. You have to pay your way while you’re here. They find you a job in town to make money. You’ll have responsibilities at the camp - cooking and cleaning There are social things to do. You will have a lot of session work, too. They’ll explain it all to you when you get there.”
“What about the church? Sunday morning? Wow, it‘s going to be a zoo there, isn‘t it?”
“Probably. I’ll be there to preach this Sunday and talk about these issues. After that, your elder team will take turns. Hopefully, the church will run like the machine it always has been, even in your absence.”
Steven started to cry again, thinking about all the people in Spring Arbor he had let down. “Do they want to kill me?”
“Some do, most are sympathetic, however,” Dr. Wiloughby reassured Steven. “There is no organized effort to get you tossed out of the church. Not yet, anyway. You do have an assignment tonight when you get to your room. I need a statement for the media. Dr. Singleton and I are doing a press conference tomorrow morning, while your at the airport. We need to make remarks to the media and we need to give you some privacy as you get out of town. Can you do that?”
“Sure.” Steven paused. “Dr. Wiloughby, can you pray for me?”
“I’d be honored.” Dr. Wiloughby put his arm around Steven. “Lord, I bring Steven before you. None of the events that have transpired in his life are a surprise to you. Your eyes see it all. Yet, Father, You love him with an everlasting love. You’ve drawn him with your loving kindness as Your Word says in Jeremiah 33. I thank you for what’s happened, Lord. It hurts. Steven is in a great deal of pain. But the breaking needed to happen for You to get the glory out of life that is waiting for Your healing touch.
“Father, bring that healing now. I place Steven under Your wings and ask for grace and mercy in Montana while he’s gone. Use the counselors and other residents to move Steven toward healing and wholeness. Bless Heather and Breeanna in the days to come. Protect this family. Make it stronger than it ever has been. Keep them safe amidst the turmoil around them now.
“Lord, Steven Hassmann is Your child. Hold him, surround him with You love. Let him know deep in his spirit that You have not left him alone. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.
Dr. Wiloughby continued as the car pulled up in front of his motel room. “Steven, remember the first day I met you? I asked you a question. Do you remember it?”
“Why am I here?”
“Right. Steven, you thought you answered the question. ’I’m going to be important and famous. I’ll be a pastor and achieve great things.’ Well, as we sit here today, that plan seems to have failed. But consider this phase a second chance. A do-over. You can start from scratch and try to figure out the real answer to that question. Not many people get a chance like this. You’re very fortunate.” Dr. Wiloughby hugged Steven again.
“You’re in room 27. Get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning. Don’t forget to write out the statement.”
“I won’t. Thank you so much, Dr. Wiloughby.”
“You know what? After a night like tonight, the formality is over. Call me Marcus.”
A tiny proud smile came to Steven’s face. “Ok, Marcus.”
Steven opened the door of the car and made his way to the motel room. One of the guards had checked him in and stood waiting at the door to unlock it.
Steven chuckled at the ridiculousness of the scene. “Wake-up call at 6, James. And make sure my bath is drawn for me.” He said sarcastically to the guard, who laughed, obviously appreciating the joke. Steven was handed a small shoulder bag, which had a change of clothes and toiletries. He entered the room and closed the door.
Steven surveyed the scene. A typical motel room, like the ones he’d stayed in a thousand time before. One full size bed with a desk by the window. One thing was missing - the television. No chance to see any X-rated movies tonight. Or, Steven thought, the news reports of what’s going on. Steven grabbed a piece of the stationery in the room and began writing his remarks, as Marcus had asked him to.


Dr. Singleton and Dr. Wiloughby stood at a podium at the Convention Center, ready to defend themselves against the onslaught the media was ready to throw at them. There were nearly three hundred media credentials passed out for the press conference, more than five times the number requested for the convention before the firestorm kicked up last night. The crowd quieted down as Dr. Singleton took the microphone and began to speak.
“Ladies and gentleman, members of the press, I want to thank you all for coming. As you may already know, my name is Dr. Ray Singleton, and I am on the board of Directors for the National Evangelical Union. I will be making some remarks here this morning, as well as reading a statement from Rev. Hassmann, which I will be making available to you after this is over. We will not be taking questions at this time. We only have a few minutes for you today and, as you can imagine, there are several other pressing matters to tend to right now.
“This morning follows a hard night of shocking revelations about our president-elect, Reverend Steven James Hassmann. He has been a man of great honor and wisdom, faithfully serving Spring Arbor Community Church for nearly nineteen years. He has advised local and national political leaders, preached in numerous other countries and been a leading voice for moral change in our nation, through our organization and others.
“We as a board were, as you can well imagine, the most shocked of all to hear of Rev. Hassmann’s decision to visit a known sex house yesterday afternoon, on the heels of his being named president of our organization. He has admitted to us as a board of directors that he was there, though with the videotape that Chicago police have in their possession, it’s hard to deny. He has shown genuine repentance for his actions. Rev. Hassmann has recounted to us a long standing struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. This is not, unfortunately, a random event.
“Because of this, and his obvious need for counseling and recovery, the National Evangelical Union will not retain Steven Hassmann as its president as the organization moves forward. Dr. Yung Tan, our out-going president, will remain on in an interim role, until a new president can be found.
“Rev. Hassmann is a good man, who understands the grave need to get his life, family, and ministry in order. He is going to be entering a rehabilitation program for sexual addiction immediately, where all parties concerned hope he receives the help he needs to move forward with his life.
“At this time, I’d like to read Rev. Hassmann’s statement to you -
Dr. Singleton removed a single piece of lined paper from his portfolio case.
“I wish to thank all of you who have been praying for me since news of what I have done has surfaced. I have a serious problem which stems back to my childhood. I have heard from those I respect the most that I need to fix my life, and that is what I intend to do.
To my church family in Spring Arbor, and those to whom I have poured out my heart over the last twenty years, I am sincerely sorry for the pain and deception I led you through. It was never my intention to do this to you, and wish I never had. I have written a separate letter to the elder board at Spring Arbor church, resigning my role as pastor there effective immediately. I know I cannot resume my ministry functions there, because of the great wound I have inflicted. I pray the church goes on from here, stronger than before. And it will, because it is God’s church, not mine.
I ask the media to be kind and to leave my family alone. My wife and my daughter do not need to live under the microscope you so often perpetrate on those closest to a story like this. They have been through enough in the last twelve hours. Please give them space.
To conclude, I’d like to share a verse that I found that menas a lot to me in this time of great searching. It is Micah 7, verses 8 and 9: ‘Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes me right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.’.
“Thank you all who pray for me. May God bless you.”
“Folks,” Dr. Singleton continued, “that’s all we have. No questions today, as I mentioned. We will give you more information as it’s made available. Thank you.”
Though there were no questions being answered, it didn’t stop the throng of media members from firing a loud roar at the two men as they hurriedly left the stage area.
“I hope Steven made it to the plane alright,” Dr. W asked. “I hope this was enough of a diversion.”
“We’ll find out,” Dr. Singleton answered.

It had been. No media followed Steven as his car made its way onto the tarmac toward his waiting plane. He was greatly relieved. He didn’t sleep much and he was concerned what he might say or do if a reporter got a little too close or said the wrong thing. As he was approaching the plane, a second car was coming out onto the landing strip from the opposite direction. Steven thought it might be Marcus or Dr. Singleton coming out to see him off. As Steven opened the door and stepped out, the other car’s back door opened, too.
It was Heather and Breeanna.
Steven dropped his duffelbag and ran across the lot and embraced his wife and daughter. Tears of joy and sorrow flowed freely once again. Steven kissed them both.
Steven looked at Heather. “I can’t believe you’re here. I mean, last night...”
“I know. Look, Steven, I’m not ready to forgive you. I can’t go there. But I wanted to see you before you left to let you know that we’re not leaving.”
Steven cried more as she announced her decision. “I’m so glad. Oh, I’m so glad!” He hugged them both again and again.
“We said for better or for worse. I guess this is worse. But I trust you enough to know that you want your life and us to be better.”
“Oh, yes!” Steven exclaimed.
“Dr. Wiloughby called me last night and helped me through some things with all this. I don’t really understand it. But he told me about Montana and how you’re eager to fix all this. So I’ll stand by you. We’ll see how it all works out.”
“I am so glad, Heather. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you.” Steven looked at his beautiful daughter. “And you...I’m just so, so sorry!”
“Dad, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I want you to be better. So I’m proud of you for going to Montana.”
Steven hugged Bree again.
“Excuse me, sir,” the pilot stuck his head out of the door of the plane. “We are cleared for take-off. We need to go.”
Steven took one last look at his ladies, gave them another hug and kiss and started to board the plane.
“I wish I’d been honest with you guys. Right from the start. I’ll do better. I’ll make it right.”
Steven kissed Heather one final time, then the plane was sealed up behind him. Heather and Bree got back into their car and drove off to safely watch the take-off from inside the hangar. Inside the car, Bree began to sob at the thought of losing her daddy. Heather held her strongly, comforting her. Though she needed just as much, if not more comforting, at the thought of losing her soulmate. These would be tough days ahead, Heather concluded.
As the plane climbed into the sky, Steven pulled a notebook from his bag. Marcus had encouraged him during a brief phone call this morning to start a journal, writing out his feelings so he could better understand them. In all his years, Steven had never journaled. Since he was starting over in many ways, now seemed like the perfect time to start.

Hi! I’m not really sure if I should say hello, or address it “Dear Journal” or what I’m supposed to do. Does it really matter? This is my journal. No one else is going to read this, right? Or maybe they will at the camp I’m going to and figure out my deepest darkest secrets. Right now I’m on a plane heading for Montana. What’s in Montana? Liberty Hill, a live-in program for guys that have screwed up their lives. Dr. W said there are drug addicts, alcoholics, guys who have been suicidal. I wonder how many guys like me there will be? I’m not proud of how I destroyed things back home. I think I got in over my head and I didn’t have the balls to step up and say I had a problem. I’m glad I got found out. It’s like I needed to get caught so things could get fixed. I’m glad Heather and Bree came to say goodbye. She told me she wasn’t leaving. Thank God for that. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. I don’t tell her I love her enough. She’s so great and I ignore her to spend my time with some girl on my computer that wouldn’t know me or care about me if I fell over her in the street. It would be easy to say just love her. Be a good husband. But I have no idea how to do that. I’m scared I can’t be what she needs and no matter what I do, I’m going to fail. I hope I can figure some of this stuff out while I’m in Montana.
The pilot just said we’re going to land in a few minutes. The trip was nearly two hours and I only wrote this much. I’m not really slow. I just spent a lot of time watching out the window. The Rockies are beautiful this time of year, with the snow on them. It’s hard to believe they’re real. It’s like I’m looking at a painting or something. I love flying. Traveling. Always have. I don’t know why. Something in me just loves being up here. I want to go tell the pilot to go back around to Chicago one more time so I can see the views all over again. Well, we’re going to land. Got to get the seat in an upright position.


The original plan was to fly into the airport in Helena, then take a car to the camp, about an hour and a half away. With all the commotion happening in Chicago, Dr. Singleton didn’t want to take any chances with Steven getting beaten up by reporters brave enough to beat the plane to the airport. So they diverted the plane to a small landing strip about twenty miles away, in Greeley. The manager at the Helena airport said the plane could fly into Greeley and no one, not even the people who run the traffic tower there, would notice. He wasn’t too far off.
The small plane skidded to a stop at the end of a bumpy asphalt runway. Large piles of freshly plowed snow lined both sides of the runway. It looked beautiful out there, Steven marveled as he continued to look out the window as the plane came to a complete stop.
“Well, Steven, it looks pretty out there. It snowed eight inches last night and this morning. But now, as you can see, the sun is out and it should be a nice December day. Current temperature at Helena airport is 11 degrees above zero.”
Eleven degrees? Oh, man! I don’t have a winter coat, Steven responded. Wait a minute, he thought. They were miles from Helena. Maybe the temperature moderates a little out here.
“Current temperature here at Greeley is 7 above zero.”
AARGH! Steven sank down in his seat. A winter full of this? It was like being sentenced to the Gulag during the Cold War.
The door of the plane swung open and a blast of frigid air filled the main compartment. Steven almost ducked under the seat to avoid it. Then a large man walked up the stairs to enter the plane. He had a bushy white beard and wore a big flannel shirt. No coat, huh, Steven noticed. Must be a native.
“Welcome to Montana, Steven.” The welcome wagon said.
“Thanks. I’m a little cold. I’m a little underdressed for...”
“Don’t worry,” and with that Steven was presented with a large black and green parka that probably had the equivalent of one hundred feather pillows in it. “Wear this. It’s standard issue for guys at Liberty Hill.”
“So you are the welcome wagon, huh?”
“That would be me, friend. Clyde Norris. I’m one of the counselors at the camp.” Clyde shook Steven’s hand. Steven felt like Clyde’s grip would tear his hand off.
“So how far away from the camp are we?” Steven asked trying to get his bearings.
“It’s about an hour due west. We should get there by nightfall.” Clyde estimated, looking at his watch.
“An hour? Nightfall?” Steven looked at his watch. “It gets dark here at 3 in the afternoon?”
“Oh, no,” Clyde responded slyly. “The camp is an hour due west. We’re going two and a half hours due east first.”
Clyde picked up Steven’s bag and hurried off toward the parking lot. Steven could barely keep up, between the pace of Clyde’s walking and the thin air at the high altitude. Clyde threw open the back hatch of his SUV, a white Explorer with four wheel drive, a necessity in the peaks with the frequent snowfall. He spun around and jumped into the driver’s seat. Steven was amazed that a man so large could move with that kind of agility. Steven tried to move with the same fire, but was too easily winded.
“Ready to go?” Clyde asked with a smile.
“Sure,” a winded Steven responded.
The two men pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward the mountains. Up and up they climbed. At times it seemed like the truck was climbing at a 90 degree angle. Up and around windy roads paved into the side of smaller, less formidable mountains the twosome traveled. Many of the corners were washed out with drifted patches of snow. Clyde had gone around those passes a thousand times. He handled everyone like he knew they were coming.
Clyde and Steven went through a twisty section between two mountains that, wit the high pine trees, seemed to block out the sun. Then, as they rounded the last bend, Steven saw it. The Rocky Mountains parted ways before them and the mighty expanses gave way. What laid before them was hundreds and hundreds of miles of the most gorgeous view Steven had ever seen. High peaks set one by one beside each other. The recent snows in the valleys were only shadows of what had been happening above 15,000 feet for two months. It looked like someone had come along and sprinkled dust on top of the mountains. Dusted? More like dumped. Some of those peaks had ten to twenty feet added to their totals just in the last day!
Clyde brought the SUV to a stop at a scenic overlook on the road. Clyde jumped out, took a deep breath the likes of which only a veteran of the mountains could take. He walked away from Steven and the truck and leaned on a wooden beam railing. Steven just continued to marvel at the scene that lay before him.
“It’s beautiful, ain’t it?” Clyde asked in his customary drawl.
“Yeah,” Steven was practically speechless.
“Just take it all in, Steven,” Clyde instructed. “Just take it all in.”
The two stood on top of the peak for nearly thirty minutes, just reveling in the majesty of the scene.
“I bring all the new guys up here before we go to the camp.” Clyde finally broke the silence. “You know why?”
Steven shook his head ’no’.
“Most people will see the mountains and the valleys. The snow. The forests. You know what I see? Endless possibilities. You know Isaiah 55?”
“Yeah,” Steven answered. “The prophet says God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.”
“It’s like our vision,” Clyde continued. “We see our daily events. Bills to pay, work to do. The same old stuff day after day. But that’s how WE see it. God sees so much more. The ups and the downs, sure. But He sees how it’s supposed to be. You know how in Jeremiah 1 God says that He knew the prophet fully before God made him in his mother’s womb? That plan was God’s original glory for you, Steven. You got off track - way off track - and you wound up here. That’s what Liberty Hill is all about. That’s what my ministry here is all about. Getting you to see the future. And everything God’s put in it for you. Can you see it, Steven?”
Steven was silent. A single tear trickled down his cheek. He tried to wipe it away before Clyde could see.
“You will, friend. You will. You’ve got lots of time left. No need to push the panic button yet. Come on - your first group session is later tonight.”
Clyde put his arm around Steven as they made their way back to their SUV. It was Clyde’s job to know all the details of the new residents. He knew the pornography, the affair, the secret lifestyle. Clyde’s compassion was as big as he was. They had another two hours ahead of them before they reached the camp.


Liberty Hill sat on the top of a mountain, an altitude of about 8,500 feet. Clyde and Steven went from interstate driving to two lane road, from two lane road to one lane road, then down to a single dirt road. Clyde pointed up the side of the terrain directly before them.
“See up there?” Clyde pointed as a vague section of rock and trees. “The camp’s up there.”. Steven tried to no avail to pick out anything resembling a camp.
Hand painted signs began to line the dirt path - LIBERTY HILL, 1000 FEET. Then - LIBERTY HILL, NEXT RIGHT. As they took the right, a paved driveway picked up again. In the distance, a large log cabin building. Two smaller buildings sat off the either side. Clyde pulled the SUV up next to another smaller car in front of the main lodge.
“Welcome to Liberty Hill!” Clyde climbed out of the truck, grabbed Steven’s bag and headed for the door. “You’ve got to check in. Follow me!” Clyde seemed more interested in getting settled in than Steven did himself. Steven entered the lodge, in a half-jog to keep up with Clyde.
Steven had heard about live-in programs like this. He had even sent a couple of guys to a camp in Oklahoma. Steven was reminded of Greg Nolan. Back about eight years ago, Greg’s wife Julie turned him in. He had been drinking heavier and heavier, so much that this respected businessman was skipping meetings, lying to his family and spending thousands of dollars covering up his habit. About three weeks after entering the program, Steven received a call from Julie saying Greg had been moved to a more intensive program. Greg had become so enraged by the staff attempting to “cure” him, that he would daily get into fights and battles with other residents and staff. Whether it was a lack of alcohol or just the reality that his life was out of control, Steven never knew. But the last Steven had heard, Julie was in process to divorce Greg, who was beginning psychological testing for manic depression and a host of other mental issues. Steven didn’t know what to expect from himself. He agreed with Clyde; his life was off track beyond what he could fix. But how would they propose to get it back on track again? What would he have to admit to? Steven had never let anyone, even Heather and the associate pastors at the church, get so close. The time had come to get it right. Steven wondered if he’d have the guts.
Clyde led Steven to his room. A winding stairway led to a community bedroom with six bunks in it. The log timbers for walls and the unfinished wood bunks gave the room a real rustic feel. Clyde pointed to the bottom bunk in the corner. “You’re going to be over there.”
Clyde tossed Steven’s bag on the bed and went over to the closet to dig out a blanket and some sheets. “Now here’s the schedule for tonight. Dinner’s at 6. You’ll be on team B, so you’ve got clean-up duty this week. Next week, it switches to set-up. After you’re done, Ryan wants to meet with you. He’s the leader of the counselors and he wants to have a first meeting with you to get to know you a little bit. Then lights out is at 10:30. You’ll be up by 6. You start work at 8 in town.”
“Work? I thought this was a counseling program?”
“Yeah, but it ain’t free. You pay by working a job in town and all the money goes to pay for the program.”
“And what, pray tell, will I be doing?” Steven wondered aloud.
“B & H Construction. They need a day laborer for a roofing job.”
“Roofing? Clyde, it’s below zero out there! I’ll freeze!”
“Well, the only other position we’ve got right now is cleaning up the stables at the Equestrian Center in town. At least you’d be inside!”
Steven considered the options: on top of a roof with a nail gun, or inside with the fragrance of fresh horse droppings.
“I’ll do the construction.” Steven concluded. “That’s where I had to go when I came here the first time.”
Steven looked at Clyde amazed. “You were in the program?”
“Oh, yes. Twice!” Clyde recalled as he finished making Steven’s bed. “The first time I was only here because my parole officer told me I had to be. Stayed the three months and took off. Went right back in to drinking and partying the minute I got home.”
“So what made you come back the second time, if you don’t mind me asking?” Steven probed.
“I was driving home from a New Year’s Eve party. Drunker than a skunk. I ran a stop sign and t-boned a car going the other way. A college girl was driving home from her boyfriend’s house. Didn’t see me coming. She survived, though. She was the only one in the car. If someone had been riding shotgun, they would have died instantly. But that accident was sure a wake-up call to me. You only have to come that close once, in my opinion. That kind of deal sobers you up so quick.
“I lost my license after that, but I didn’t care. I was on the first plane back here. I checked myself back in, got clean and straight. I finished my college degree, then went back for my Master’s so I can work here. I’m only four classes away from finishing.”
“Clyde, that’s so awesome.” Steven replied, legitimately amazed at Clyde’s story.
“No. The awesome part will be when you can tell your story to someone, so they get free. You will. Trust me.”



“Good evening, everyone,” the counselor, Ryan, addressed the group of seven men sitting in a circle on simple tan metal chairs in the center of the gym floor. The basketball court was well-lit, with the hoops bookending the room. “We have a new member of our group tonight. Why don’t we go around the room quickly and introduce ourselves? Tim, let’s start with you.”
Steven listened as one by one, the other men briefly described the hell that led them to the same place Steven found himself.
“I’m Tim, I’ve been here about three months. I’d been a crack dealer and a user since my sophomore year of high school.”
“Hey, I’m Kevin and I’ve been clean six weeks and MAN! does it feel good!”
“I’m Rob. My wife found me having sex with a man in my own bed. I’ve been bisexual for eleven years.”
“I’m Rolando. My big three to get rid of are sex, drugs, and stealing. God’s dealing with me. It’s a long road, but he’s working.”
“Hi, I’m Lester. Tim mentioned crack. I was the biggest seller in Central City. But when I wanted to go clean, I couldn’t just walk away. I had to get in a program far away. Here I am.”
“Craig here. I’ve been masturbating since I was ten. I’m so freaked out about sex, I can’t have a healthy relationship. All I think about is how I’m going to have sex with them.”
The line came to Steven. He was scared to go too far in depth the first time.
“Hi, guys. I’m Steven. I’m a sex addict.” He looked at Craig. “A lot like you, I suppose.”
“Steven, don’t feel like you have to participate tonight. This is your first night seeing how we run our group. Here in the program, we try to work on one guy’s issues each meeting. I do, however, have a few questions for you.” Ryan flipped a couple of pages over on his clipboard. “Steven, when did you accept Christ as your Savior? You remember the date?”
Steven tried to think. “Well, it was my second year of college. I was in my room, watching Billy Graham. I just knew it was right.”
Ryan addressed the group. “How many of us have been impacted by Dr. Graham’s ministry, huh?” All the guys raised their hands. “So, that was the night?”
“Yep, I started on the road to being a pastor that night.”
“God called you into the ministry the same night? Wow, how did that feel?”
“Powerful. No one else understood it; my roommate, my friends...” Steven paused. “...my father. But I knew deep in my heart it was right.”
“So how had your personal walk with God been? To hear God in that way, you must really have the inside scoop.”
“God and I have always had more of a business relationship than a personal one.”
Ryan was puzzled. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well,” Steven tried to explain, “Serving the church was my job, my career. I gave everything for them. Basically, I was the COO; God was the CEO. He spoke, I listened. He commanded, I performed.”
“And you found joy from that?”
“Sure,” Steven reasoned. “There’s nothing better than seeing people in church get right with God.”
“But what about you, Steven? Are you ‘right with God’?”
Steven paused to get his answer. “Yeah, I think so. Well, of course, except for the reason I’m here. That’s not right. But I’ve done everything else on the list. I was told to be a pastor, and I accomplished a lot. Now, I’m off track, but I have to get right and back in the saddle. The church needs me.”
“And do you think you’ll get...’fired’...if you don’t shape up?” Ryan probed.
“Ryan, I was put on this earth to be a pastor. It’s what I do best!”
“You were put on this earth to do God’s purpose, sure. But being a pastor is all you’ve got?”
“What do you mean, ‘all I’ve got’? That’s enough!”
Ryan shook his head. “Oh, Steven, there’s more. So much more. It sounds to me like you came to God as an employment agency. You’re a pastor. You’ve never said to your people that they could have a “personal relationship” with Jesus Christ?”
“Of course! What kind of minister would I be if I never gave people that chance?”
“Well, it sounds like you need an altar call yourself.”
Steven stood up, offended. “Excuse me, where do you get off judging my religion? I was just elected president of the National Evangelical Union!”
“And I’m going to be perfectly honest with you,” Ryan interrupted, “No one gives a crap about who you are. To all of us, do you know who you are? A sexual addict, a hypocrite. And you’ll never get right if all you think about God is that He’s some cruel taskmaster that will fire you if the membership roles start to slip.”
“You’re an asshole. I want another counselor.” Steven stood up to leave. As he put his hand on the doorknob, Ryan broke in -
“How’s your dad, Steven?”
Steven paused for a moment. He fought back tears. The question stabbed him like a dagger.
“I said how’s your dad, Steven?”
Steven didn’t turn around. “I’m not talking about him. Back off.”
“You were never very close to him, were you? He probably worked late hours. Pushed you to succeed. I’ll bet you didn’t talk to him much. Never sought his advice. Every guy here has a father wound, Steven. It’s the biggest hurdle you face here. He wouldn’t know about your problems if you smacked him in the face with them, would he? Does he even know you‘re here?”
Steven wiped the tears from his eyes. “No.”
“Why not? Embarrassed he’ll figure out you’re a porn-maniac?”
“BECAUSE HE’S DEAD, you son of a bitch, all right? HE’S DEAD!” Steven ran out of the gym and down the dirt path. Ryan followed out into the parking lot, where the moon and one single street light lit the way.
“Steven, WAIT!” Ryan ran up to Steven and grabbed him by the arm. “You can’t run away now.”
“The hell I can’t!” Steven fumed. “All I want is for you to put me back together so I can get back in the pulpit. If you can’t do that, then I’m on the next flight back to Spring Arbor. You hear me?“
“I hear the sound of someone who needs God to touch them. I hear the sound of a broken man who needs healing and is determined that he alone knows how to solve the problem. You know as well as I do that the answer to your life is not in trying to put the pieces back together. It’s resting in God. It’s discovering that place in Your life that God hasn’t been allowed to go into and open the door.”
Ryan continued. “Seems to me that you serve God the way you served your dad. Obligation. Duty. Blind service. I don’t see any joy in you. If you had pleasure in your work for God, why’d you have to turn to porn? God is supposed to be the center of your joy? Do you even like being a Christian? Do you LIKE being a pastor?”
Steven remembered the discussion he had had with Dr. W the day they met. Dr. W had said that many will do their jobs and hate them. Somehow, Steven had become one of them. When did THAT happen?
“No. I hate it. The pressure. Having to be perfect all the time. It’s hell, Ryan.”
“And you turned to porn as a pressure valve so you could deal with the daily grind. I get it, man. Each man here used their addiction as an escape. But listen - if you’re really going to be free, you have to face your fears head on. You’re going to have to stare down the enemy with God’s power and say, ‘This far and no farther’.
“I have no idea how to draw on that power. I preach about it all the time. I’m so empty. I just feel like a hole, a big black hole!“
Ryan put his arm around Steven. “Would you like me to pray for you?”
Steven thought it would look stupid, a pastor praying to have Jesus come in for the first time, but as he looked at Ryan, he knew this was the place to start. “I’m not sure what to say to him. I need Him and I‘ve been so wrong for so many years!” Steven started to cry again.
“Don’t worry, Steven. I’ll start and if you want to add anything, you can. No pressure.”
Ryan knelt down on the dirt pathway and invited Steven to do the same. Ryan held Steven’s hands and spoke just loud enough so that only the two of them could hear.
“Jesus, I thank you for Steven...for Pastor Steven. Lord, I bring Him before you now. He knows he’s made a mess of the life you’ve given to him. But I can tell he wants to get things right. He is just so messed up right now that he doesn’t know where to begin. Lord, You are a God of order, not disorder. You want us all to be submitted to You. Your word says to seek You first and Your righteousness and You’ll add all things to our lives. God, Steven allowed a lot of unrighteousness in. We slam the door on it. We break agreement with all the enemy has spoken to him over the years. All of it is a lie and we reject it all away. Jesus, You are truth. Fill Steven’s life with only Your truth.
Steven several times had to stop holding his counselor’s hands to wipe away tears. His face was read and swollen from the outpouring of emotion. Ryan had stopped praying for a moment. Then he looked up at Steven.
“Steven, I don’t know what you believe about prophecy or words of knowledge, but I just believe God wants to speak to you. Has God ever given you a special word? For yourself? For another?“
“I’ve never heard a voice. He can speak through the Bible, but he doesn’t talk directly to me. He doesn’t do that anymore.“
“That’s another lie of the enemy. Sure, He does. I just don’t think you’ve ever stopped to listen. Go ahead, be still and listen to hear if He gives you counsel tonight.“ Steven felt a little awkward, but in the short time he’d known Ryan, he trusted him. Steven had so many things swirling around in his head, it was difficult to stop and clear his mind. It must’ve taken close to ten minutes. Suddenly, Steven’s face brightened. The tears came again; but this time they were tears of joy, not shame. A look of amazement came over Steven’s face as he began to share. “He says He’s proud of me for coming here. He’s wants me to be healed. He says...” Steven paused to catch his breath. Ryan started to cry under the weight of the words Steven was revealing. “God says I’m going to soar on eagles wings. He’s going to lift me up to a higher place. I’m going to soar! And...wow! Oh, wow! He said He loves me! He loves me!”
“Don’t sound so surprised, Steven. Of course, Jesus loves you!”
“Yeah, but I’ve never heard Him say it TO ME! He loves ME!!!” Steven was free. He could feel the freedom in his heart. Ryan could see the chains being broken over Steven. Only God could do something like this. It was awesome.
“Can we sing a song?” Steven asked Ryan.
“Sure. Which one?”
Steven began -
Jesus love me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak, but He is strong.
Ryan joined Steven on the chorus -
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.
The two men remained kneeling on the ground in the cold for almost an hour, rejoicing that Steven had broken apart. Ryan was now excited for the new life that would emerge.
“Merry Christmas, Heather.” Steven’s voice was warm and kind.
“Oh, Steven! I didn’t expect you to call until much later.”
“Well, I got done with my chores early and I wanted to watch some of the football game, so I thought I’d get you now. How’s Bree?”
“She’s good. She wanted to get away for a few days. You remember Ashley, from down the street? Her parents were going to the mountains for the week, and she asked if she could go. It’ll be good for her. She hasn’t seen Ashley since we...since we left.”
“Yeah. It’s hard to believe it’s been six weeks already. I feel like I just got here.” Things have been happening so fast!”
“Steven, I want you to know how proud I am of all you’re doing. I know it’s got to be scary to deal with everything.”
“You tell me that every time we talk. I know you are, sweetheart. You don‘t have to repeat it all the time.”
“Yes, I do. Because it’s the truth. Remember you told me you always want the truth reinforced over and over? There it is.”
“I suppose. Hey, they’re talking about a family day, where you and Bree could come up to see what’s happening here. Doesn’t that sound great?”
“Yeah...great.”
“Heather, what is it?”
“I don’t know...I’m just not sure Bree would want to come.”
“Really? When I’ve talked to her on the phone, she always says she can’t wait to see me come home, and I...”
“It’s just not a good time, Steven.”
“I guess. I just don’t understand how...”
“Steven, just leave it alone, OK? The time’s just not good.”
“All right, I’ll back off.”
“I’m scared, Steven.”
“What are you scared of?”
“You. I mean, I just don’t know what to do with you. I’m not leaving you. I promised you and Bree. This will not destroy our family. But I’m feeling so many different things - I love you, but I hate you for what you’ve done, but you feel like a stranger to me because you’re becoming this man out there that I don’t even know. When you come back and God has changed you and you‘re this different man you say you are, will I even LIKE you?”
“Well, Heather, I like myself. I never have been able to say that before. I haven’t masturbated since I got here. I don’t need to. I used it to make myself feel better. Now if I’m a little down or angry, I pray. I talk to the guys around here. I write you letters. Do you like the guy who’s been writing you letters?”
“Oh, yeah. But how do I know you’ll be like that while you’re in the program and when you get back here you’ll fall into the same old traps?”
“Heather, you’ve just got to have faith in me. Listen, I’m not going to give you a line and say I’ll never slip up and fall. But...I don’t know how to say it. It’s not something I can just talk about. I’ll just have to come home and live it in front of you and Bree and prove myself to you. I want to do that.”
“I do, too. We need you home. Have you given any more thought about what you’re going to do?”
“Well, like I told you before, I’m not pastoring again. No one in Spring Arbor could respect me. I’ve broken too much trust. I just don’t think that’s what He wants for me.”
“Well, when you get the revelation, can I be the first to know?”
“You’ve got it. Hey, my time’s almost up. Can I pray with you?”
“Yeah, Steven. You know, I love it that you pray with me. You pray with such authority now. I know God hears you.”
“He does. Especially now that I believe He really hears me. Let’s pray. Well, Father, we thank you for Christmas Day. We thank You for Your Son, Jesus, who came to us on this day. We know, God, it was no easy thing. But He came to seek and to save that which was lost. Both of us are eternally grateful to You, Lord, for setting us free, setting our feet on the Rock, and giving us a hope and a future. Just two months ago, everything seemed lost and finished. But now You have lit the way and we are Yours alone. Bless my wife, Jesus. Give her peace and joy, even while I’m gone. And bless her for her commitment to me, even though I don’t deserve it. Keep her strong with Breeanna, God. I know she’s a handful at 14. Help my little girl to be full of security, that Daddy’s coming home soon, coming home a new man.”
“Lord, I thank you for Steven. I’m so proud of all that he’s becoming. Thank you for all we’ve been through. You know, God, I’ve cried so much I can hardly cry anymore. But I know there was a lot to break through, and You allowed us to go through it to make us better people and to draw us closer to You. Bring my husband home, Jesus, as quick as You can. I miss him.”
“Heather, sweetheart, I miss you too. Soon enough. They say if I keep on the course I’m on, I should be back by Easter. That’s only the first week of April. Not bad.”
“Maybe by then, I’ll be ready for you.”
“Well, I sure hope so. I‘ll call you next week. Will you still be in Shortville?”
“Um, yeah. I think so. We’re going to go back to Spring Arbor for a little while. you know, get some things, talk to some people. It’s easier now that things have cooled down.”
“Ryan says I should go back when I’m done here and speak to the congregation.”
“Really? Won’t that be hard?”
“For crying out loud, I’d never make it through if I had to do it today. But hopefully, by April, I’d be able to face those folks and talk freely about where I was and where I am now. I really hurt them, Heather. I can‘t believe how much I hurt them.”
“You’ve been forgiven, though. You should’ve seen the article they wrote about you this week.”
“You mean, I’m still news there? They don’t have anything better to talk about?”
“Well, you’re not front page news. You’re in the Editorial section.”
“Editorials? Why?”
“Here, let me read it to you. Where is it? Oh, yeah, right here - ‘And at this time of year, we hold to virtues that we sometimes ignore through the year, like forgiveness. Many are still reeling from Rev. Hassmann’s bombshell announcement last month. The bitterness that flowed through Spring Arbor was deeper than ever before. But Mayor Walker’s words at the Christmas tree lighting last week ring true for everyone. We are a community that holds to high standards. But when we see that one of our own has fallen short of those standards, we should use the same discretion our Lord used during his life when he said, ’Let He who is without sin cast the first stone.’ No one knows humility more than our Savior. Born in a stable to a young girl. His life was misunderstood all the way to the cross. He stood trial and was found guilty of no crime, yet was led away wrongly. We would do well to remember that those nail scars on the man who was born in the manger really belong to us. He forgives freely, we should as well’.”
“Wow! Mayor Walker said all that? He got SAVED didn’t he?”
“He didn’t write to you? He said he was going to! I thought you knew!”
“No! I had no idea!”
“Well, you’re confession started a real avalanche here. Yeah, the first couple of days everyone was out to get you. They’d argue, fight, quarrel. Then, one by one, people started to admit that they were not exactly honest, either. It was a time of purging. Including Mayor Walker. He just came to the conclusion that he’d been a politician, not a servant of the people. Then he said he read your booklet on becoming a Christian. He’d had it in his desk for years, but never read it. Something inside him moved him to read it. He did and he accepted the Lord. The town hasn’t been the same since.”
“I’m...I’m...uh..I don’t know what to say!”
“How about Romans 8:28. He’s going to make all things work together for the good. In other people. In you. In us. I still struggle with all the details. But this is God‘s plan. It‘s so clear.”
“Listen, Heather, I hate to let you go, but I’ve got three guys waiting to use the phone and I’m way over my time. Have Mayor give me a call. I need to talk to him.”
“I will. And I’ll have Bree call next time. She does want to talk to you.”
“Absolutely. Heather?”
“Yes, Steven?”
“Merry Christmas. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

The winter in Montana seemed to get colder and colder. Ice formed everywhere; snow blew across the camp like fresh sheets being thrown over a bed. Sitting in the dining hall, you could hear the wind howl off the mountains, through the valley and between the buildings. The main lodge took the load of the wind rather easily. The bunk house was not so kind. Lying in bed at night was tough on all the guys. The two story building was sure warm enough, but it was little comfort when the gusts would make the room sway and the windows shake. A couple of nights got so bad that the men grabbed their blankets and all slept on the floor in the entranceway. They did for a couple of nights before one of the guys deduced that if they stayed on the first floor, and the building DID collapse from the weather, they’d all be sitting ducks. Steven was among them. Somehow after that first night with Ryan, he had seen things with a different eye. He didn’t mind doing a little extra work, picking up for other guys who got sick or were tired. In fact, when the wind kicked up one night in particular, Steven grabbed the tools and reinforced some of the upstairs windows that were coming apart.