I did it! I did it! Yippee for me!

It's almost 1 in the morning, but I'm grateful to say that I, Darren Barkman, have won at NaNoWrimo! "On the Fritz is complete, clocking in at 50,151 words. Get out your hankies and prepare to read the last installment. I'll write more about what God has shown me this month a little later. After I sober up from the binge I'm going on to celebrate this puppy!


May 17. Graduation day. Steven had been at Liberty Hill exactly six months. It
hasn’t been easy. There have been struggles, spiritual attacks, fears about the future. But today was the day Steven walks out of Liberty Hill a free man. In more ways than one. It was the custom of Liberty Hill to invite friends and family to the ranch for a special commissioning service, where the former patient is prayed for by the staff and the other men in the program, then released with God’s power firmly behind them. Heather and Bree were going to be coming in to Kalispell this morning on a flight from Denver. Steven had talked with them by phone at least once a week through the whole six months. He discussed every aspect of his recovery. Piece by piece, as his life was put back together, it was as if his wife was by his side; even though she was nearly 2,000 miles away. The airplane stuff? Steven hadn’t mentioned a word.
Steven had complete faith that God has spoken and not stuttered. He was to relocate to Kalispell, train for his pilot’s license, work with Woody, then continue the air charter business as Woody retires. How do you explain that to your wife over the phone? He had tried to just ‘bring it up’ in conversation. It just never seemed appropriate. Steven’s plan was to get Heather and Bree out to Big Sky country, have them fall in love with it, then spring it on them that they were going to live out here. What if Heather hated it? What if Bree was upset and wanted to stay closer to her friends? What if the whole thing flopped and they fell flat on their faces?
What if Steven ignored God? What if Steven ignored his true heart that was now on the surface after getting rid of the sin that had so deeply entangled him for so long? God had spoken so clearly about this plan for the future, there was no way the girls could not want to go along with it. He hoped...
Steven waited inside the main commercial gate at the airport as Heather and Bree stepped off the plane and onto the pavement. The closer they got, the more excited he got. So much that he ran out the door to meet them outside.
“Hi.” Steven said as he reached his wife, and took her hands.
“Hi. I’m so glad to be here. I love you.” She held his face with both hands and kissed him hard, then held him around the waist, not wanting to ever let go.
Steven reached over. “Breeanna, come here.” Steven and Heather made their hug a threesome. All three of them started to cry, overjoyed that their family was together again.
“Let’s get your stuff. I want to show you some of the sights before we go up to the camp.” Steven hustled over to the baggage claim and carried all four of the suitcases himself over to the camp SUV. One of the privileges of the graduation process is a greater amount of freedom. Steven was allowed to drive the truck down to Kalispell by himself to pick up his family.
“Steven, it’s gorgeous up here,” Heather remarked as they drove out of the airport parking lot and up into the mountains. “I just can’t believe it.”
“I’ve really fallen in love with this part of the world,” Steven added. Was this the moment to discuss the future? Steven wondered.
“I’ll bet the skiing is great up here,” Bree added from the back seat. That’s about as much of an endorsement as he imagined to get from his teenager. “There’s an overlook on Route 2, about ten miles up. I want to stop for a minute, all right?”
“You’re driving,” Heather said. There. The family meeting was set.
The newly reunited family stood on the scenic over look that Steven and Clyde had first stood on six months earlier. They marveled at the view - the mountains, the lakes. Breeanna saw a pack of mountain goats on a ledge below them. She laughed at how funny they looked and sounded. It was so peaceful. No other vehicles on the road. Just the birds singing and the light whoosh of the breeze through the air.
“Every time I stand up here,” Steven said, “I think about the psalm that says ’The heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork. It’s just so cool.”
“We should live up here,” Heather said matter-of-factly. Steven was stunned, but played it cool.
“Oh, really?” He asked incredulously. “How do you figure that?”
“Well, there’s nothing for us in Spring Arbor. My sister is staying with my Aunt in Shortville now. It’s just as far to visit my mom in Missouri from here as it is from Spring Arbor. We could easily live here now.”
“And what are we to do for money? Jobs?”
“I don’t know,” Heather shrugged her shoulders. “God will figure something out.”
“What if I were to tell you He already has?” Steven asked, continuing to look off toward the valley below.
Heather shot Steven a quick look. “Excuse me?”
Steven held Heather’s hand. “Here’s the deal. Clyde, my sponsor at the camp, gave me a airplane tour of Glacier Park for my birthday. I know flying drives you crazy, but you know how much I love it. Well, God started speaking to my heart about how free I was up there. Next thing I know, Woody, the pilot, is telling me he doesn’t want to fly the planes any more and that he thinks I’d be perfect to take over the business. He’ll train me for my license for free and when I do start flying on my own, we buy the company and give the tours.”
Heather turned white as a sheet. She stared dumbfounded at Steven.
“What?” Steven asked. “You look like you saw a ghost or something.”
“When did you go on that trip, Steven?“
“It was on my birthday, April 19. Why?“
“I had a dream that you were flying an airplane. It was the night of Bree’s party with her friends. Bree, honey...” Heather called across the parking area to her daughter, who was sitting on a bench listening to her ipod. “What date was Kristen’s party?”
“It was dad’s birthday, the 19th of last month.” Bree called back.
Heather turned, stunned and amazed. “I remember it so vividly. You know I just about throw up every time I know you’re flying. But I wasn’t in the dream. I was watching you fly the plane, but I had this incredible amount of peace. No fear at all! I figured it was God saying, figuratively, that everything was going to be all right. I had no idea...”
“...that he was talking literally,” Steven finished.
“Yeah...” Heather was practically speechless. They both realized what God was up to.
“What do we do now?” Heather asked, staring off toward the valley below, a small tear trickling down her cheek.
“Well, it is time to get back to camp,” Steven looked at his watch. “The ceremony for me starts at 7:00. Then, I guess we start looking for a house!”
Heather and Steven hugged and kissed again, but in a much different way than ever before. Now they were partners. Up until now, they were together as a couple; but they both would tell you the didn’t need the other. That had all changed in one moment of God intervening in their lives.
Bree snuck up behind them. “Why are you guys crying now?”
“We’ll tell you on the way,” Heather said. The three put their arms around each other as they made their way to the SUV, climbed in and headed for Liberty Hill, all the while praising God for His goodness and guidance.

The main hallway of the Liberty Hill lodge was decked out in balloons and streamers. Every time a participant leaves as a success, the staff throw a big party. It’s called a graduation; but it more resembles a victory party. Victory over sin, the enemy, the flesh, everything and anything the patient hopes to get rid of while they’re there. Tonight, it was all for Steven. Six months to the day of his complete collapse, he stood before his fellow members a new man. Steven was truly ’in Christ’ now; the old had gone away and the new had come. It was his desire to do God’s will, but not in a way that had to bring glory to himself or his name. All pride had been stripped away. In one of his last journal entries, Steven wrote -
It was neat to hear about Ryan’s desire to go to China and minister to the underground church. To really rejoice in someone figuring out where God wants them to be. When he asked me if I wanted to go, at first I emphatically said no. But the more I thought about it, I don’t know why I can’t go. In the past, I’d be going so that I could list ’ministering to the Chinese Christians’ on my resume. It had everything to do with furthering MY agenda. But now I have no agenda. The only thing I need to do is figure out how to be a pilot. And to win back Heather and Bree’s trust again. I know without a shadow of a doubt what I’m supposed to do and what will bring me the REAL joy I’ve been looking for. Going to China would help Ryan and bless those in the church that I minister to. I have no TV show to broadcast pictures on, no pulpit to say Hey look at what I’m doing. It’s for an audience of one. What does HE think? Is HE blessed? No one else’s opinion matters.
Steve would be going to China later in that year. He would have a profound impact on the pastors in the cell churches. He shared his testimony of brokenness before God and, with Ryan’s help, was able to lead many pastors to a deeper concecration in God.
For the night of his graduation, Steven was the center of attention and it was very good. Pastor Wilkins, the chaplain for the camp, addressed the audience of about forty men, along with various staff and townspeople.
“We’re here tonight to send off someone who is probably the most well-known person to come through our doors. He had a crisis in his life six months ago. But he faced it with honesty and dignity. Today he is a shining example of what a broken and contrite heart looks like in practice. It has been my privilege to see him grow beyond a bombastic, erudite preacher, to a man who believes God for great things. We want to celebrate him tonight, as he ventures back out into the world. Folks, may I introduce to you...Steven Hassmann.”
A standing ovation quickly followed as Steven jumped up out of his seat, buttoned his suit jacket, and stepped on to the stage. He came over to Pastor Wilkins and whispered something into his ear. Pastor Wilkins looked a little puzzled, but nodded his head and stepped back to the microphone.
“Normally at this time, we give the graduate a few minutes to say some thank yous if he wants. Steven has requested something a little different. He would like to invite his wife Heather up on to the stage and he would like the two of them to renew their wedding vows. Right here and now!”
The audience cheered again as Heather, obviously a little surprised, stood up, stepped on to the stage and stood next to her husband.
“I’m going to get you for this!” She said to Steven.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Steven stayed looking straight ahead.
“Now there was no rehearsal,” Pastor Wilkins admitted. “So let me have the couple here at the front of the stage. Face each other. Hold hands. Hmmm, I’ve never had to do this from memory before. I hope for your sakes I get it right!”
Everyone laughed.
Pastor Wilkins began. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here tonight to, now among other things, restate the wedding vows of Heather and Steven Hassmann. It obviously has been a long, hard road the last few months, but for the last...” Pastor turned to Heather. “How many years have you been married?”
“Nineteen,” Heather whispered.
“...for the last nineteen years,” Pastor rolled on, “they have been an example to their churches and families of what a marriage can be when God is in it. And now, they are truly an example of what grace, forgiveness, and peace will bring even to the toughest situations. Steven, will you repeat these words?
“I, Steven Hassmann...”
“I, Steven Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“...to be my lawfully wedded wife.”
“...to be my lawfully wedded wife.”
“To have and to hold...”
“...To have and to hold...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...Forsaking all others...
“...Forsaking all others...”
“...for as long as we both
shall live.”
“...for as long as we both shall live.”
“Heather,” Pastor Wilkins continued, “Repeat after me - “
“I, Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“I, Heather Grant Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Steven Hassmann...”
“...do once again take Steven Hassmann...”
“...to be my lawfully wedded husband.”
“...to be my lawfully wedded husnbnad.”
“To have and to hold...”
“...To have and to hold...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...For richer or poorer...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...In sickness and health...”
“...Forsaking all others...
“...Forsaking all others...”
“...for as long as we both
shall live.”
“...for as long as we both shall live.”
“You’re already wearing your rings. I guess that’s about it,” Pastor Wilkins concluded. “Did either one of you have anything you want to say?”
“I have something I want to say,” From the front row, Breeanna stood up. Steven and Heather were amazed. She never wants to talk in public. What was she going to say?
Heather took the microphone. “My dad, as you probably know, was a famous pastor. It was hard for me being a pastor’s kid. I had to be perfect. I couldn’t do anything wrong or all the ladies at church would gossip about me non-stop. When the news hit that my dad had been seeing pornography and going to sex shops, it got even worse. I would hear people whispering behind my back, talking about me. Calling me the pig’s daughter and stuff like that. It was hard. But my mom held me and told me it would be OK.; that dad was here and that he was getting help and he’ll come back better than before. I didn’t believe her; I thought I’d end up another divorced family kid, just like most of my friends.
Steven and Heather held hands behind Breeanna, admiring her as she spoke.
“Ever since my dad’s been here, I can testify to the change in him. He’s nicer to me on the phone, he doesn’t criticize me like he used to. He talks to me, not at me. Since we’ve been here, he’s kissed me and hugged me and put his arm around me. He never used to do that. And look! He’s holding my mom’s hand right now!”
Steven raised their clasped hand over their heads. The audience cheered again.
“I just wanted to say that I’m proud of my dad. He made some mistakes but he was big enough to admit it, change his life and be better. I’m glad I get this dad, not the one I used to have. I love you, daddy!”
Steven cried more tears as he hugged his only daughter tightly.
“Thank you.” Steven whispered in Bree’s ear.
After the clapping and cheering subsided, Steven took the microphone.
“I just wanted everyone to know our plans. I haven’t told too many people, just Ryan, Clyde and my family. God has orchestrated it so that we’ll be staying here in the area. I’m going to be taking over Minuteman Aviation someday soon, when I get my license to fly. I’ll give everyone a free ride! How does that sound?”
The whole audience voiced their approval by cheering again.
“God has been so, so good. Since we’ll be here, we plan on volunteering to help other who come get free as well. It’s a whole new life. We’re so looking forward to it. Thank you and God bless.”
The people who came Steven’s graduation gave another long, loud standing ovation. Steven was humbled. He remembered how once this type of resopnse would have puffed up his chest and made him all the more excited about where his career was going as a successful minister. Now he simply cares about his family and, soon, his new company. As he stood on that small stage, Steven thought to himself,
All is well. All is certainly well.

Cindy and Charlie literally picked Montana as their honeymoon destination by throwing a dart at a map. That was the type of people they were - spontaneous, ready to do anything at any time. That’s why they called SHB Aviation to take an air tour of the mountains. A new adventure awaited the newlyweds around every corner.
They pulled up to the hangar in their rented pick-up truck. Cindy in her faux fur coat; Charlie in khaki pants and golf shirt, with the fancy leather jacket. They walked up to the Cessna CVI sitting on the runway and approached the man under the wing, giving the plane one final spit polish.
“Excuse me, is this the right place for the air tours?” Charlie demanded.
Steven stuck his head out from behind a panel that had dropped down off the wing. “It most certainly is. Steven Hassmann, at your service. And you are?”
“I’m Cindy Van Bonder and this is Charlie. We’ve just gotten married last week and we’re here for your tour.”
“Right! The newlyweds from California! Great! Well, I’m ready if you are. We’ve got some papers to sign. We can do that on board. I like to get right into the air with you folks. Don’t want to wait around. There’s too much to see!”
“Cindy, do you think our lawyer should read the papers over first?” Charlie asked.
Steven gave a slight smirk. “They’re pretty standard release papers. They just say that we can send you to the hospital in town if the plane were to explode and you meet your untimely death in an amazing fireball of gas and shrapnel.”
Cindy and Charlie just stared at Steven.
“It’s a joke.” Steven explained.
The couple looked at each other, wondering if illegal drugs were common up here in the mountains.
“If we can, we should go now. The weatherman says we might get some rain before too long. Clouds and fog off the mountains doesn’t make for a good show up there.”
Steven took Cindy and Charlie inside the hangar and gave them a brief safety lesson, including proper use of a parachute, just in case. After just a few minutes, they crossed the landing area and boarded the Cessna CVI that Steven had taken on that prophetic trip seven years before. He had grown the company to three planes and four pilots serving most of the state. He still chose to fly the tours at the flagship hangar himself. He had done at least two trips almost every day since he took over from Woody. When business doubled in the first year, Woody was amazed. Steven was able to witness to the goodness of God in the situation and also how Steven came to Montana in the first place. Woody ended up giving his life to Jesus not soon after that. In fact, Kalispell had itself a mini-revival in the months soon after the Hassmanns arrived. The small church they attended, Communion Baptist Church, quintupled in size. Not because the once-famous Rev. Steven Hassmann began attending; but because so many were becoming Christians that they all needed a place to be discipled. There was even rumors swirling around town that Steven was going to split off and start a church in town, and that it was going to be twice as big as his church in Spring Arbor. It was going to be a tourism mecca for the Glacier Park area. Millions of dollars flooding the streets as people come to see what the Reverend is up to now.
Steven had no desire for that, though. His days were too busy flying the charters and living close to God to think about going backwards. There were no computers in the house or the business. One small TV in the Hassmann’s home had no cable; just the two network channels from Great Falls. Steven and Heather had settled into a very nice routine. It was never boring. But it was always full of God. Just the way they’d hoped it would be.
Cindy and Charlie settled into their spectator seats, right behind Steven’s pilot seat. They noticed two pictures on the dashboard.
“Who’s in those pictures?” Cindy asked.
“The one on the left is my wife Heather and I the day we decided to move up here. What a day that was. The other is my daughter, Breeanna, with her fiance Cody. He’s a pilot with me up here and my maintenance guy. She’s a blessed girl and we’re going to be blessed in-laws. He’s from Olney. Neat little town up Route 93. Best food in the area. You ought to try it.”
“What do they serve?” Charlie asked.
“Only the best hash in the world. You ever eaten hash before?”
The newlyweds crinkled their noses at the thought of eating something so repulsive.
“Guess that’s a no. OK, folks, buckle up...we’re ready to go.” Steve said as he spun his seat around to face the dashboard, adjusted his headset and turned the key to start the engine.
“Tower, this is Eagle one. Tower, this is Eagle one, over.”
“Roger, Eagle one. Steve, you ready to go to work?”
“That’s an affirmative, Henry. Let me go!”
“You’re clear. No one’s supposed to be around while you’re up. I’ll talk to you in an hour, ok?”
“Make it two hours. I’ve got newlyweds with me.”
With a pushing forward of the throttle and a release of the gas button, the plane quickly lifted its nose off the runway. Effortlessly and seamlessly, the plane ascended into the sky and cruised past the first ridge of mountains and over Whitefish Lake. Cindy and Charlie were amazed at how smooth the takeoff was, noting that no commercial pilot had done better, in their estimation. They both proceeded to look out their respective windows, admiring the terrain. Steven gave out tidbits of information - the elevation of the mountains, the climate and temperature information, tales of bear sightings in the passes and ridges below. He knew most of the time the passengers weren’t listening. But Steven enjoyed talking about it just the same. It was the kingdom God had given him. Who was he not to brag about it a little bit? About half way through each trip, no matter who he was escorting, Steven strayed from the facts and figures and began to quote from one of his favorite philosophers -
“You know folks, from way up here most people will see the mountains. The snowy peaks. The lakes and the beautiful trees. I see all that. But do you know what else I see?
“Possibilities. Endless possibilities...”

tHE END

On the Fritz continues...

44,232 words and counting. Here's more...

Steven had negotiated Route 2 numerous times with Clyde during his stay at Liberty Hill. He was sure to look off in the distance each time to see Mt. St. Nicholas and Grizzly Mtn., each of which were clearly visible from the main road. They had become good friends. Then they passed through the little towns of Hungry Horse and West Glacier, which seemed more like home now than Spring Arbor. Steven knew all the landmarks. He even started recognizing many of the town faithful who walked down the street.
A few minutes later, they arrived at the Airport in Kalispell. Steven remembered back to his first arrival at the airport. He recalled chuckling when he heard it was an international airport. Now he knew better; Kalispell was actually a rather large city, the largest near Liberty Hill. The airport was in the middle of nowhere. It added to the charm of the trip into this wonderful part of God’s creation.
When they reached the main parking lot, Clyde usually took a left turn, heading for the commercial airline buildings. Today was different. Clyde hung a quick right turn and went behind the two large brown hangars which always seemed to sit desolate. Not today, though. When Clyde and Steven turned the corner behind the first hangar, Steven saw a sign for Minuteman Aviation, the company his tour was booked for. They parked by the main entrance. Steven bounded out of the truck like a little child. Clyde had a hard time keeping up with Steven, in contrast to their first trip to this airport.
They walked up to a older man, walking away from the hangar, wiping his hands on a white rag.
“Excuse me,” Clyde asked. “Are you Woody?”
“One and the same. Which one of you is Steven?”
“That’s me. Ready to go, Captain!” Steven saluted Woody in ’proper’ military style.
“At ease, solider,” Woody laughed at Steven’s excitement. “We’ll take off in a few minutes. I need you guys to go in and fill out some forms. I’ll get the plane ready.”
Steven pointed to a double engine plane standing behind them. “Are we going on that one?”
“Yep, that’s mine. The Cessna CVI. Beautiful. Served me well for nearly 15 years.”
Steven stared at the plane. The long white tip of the nose. The sleek body with its five small windows. It’s just a plane, Steven thought. No, it’s more than that. But he wasn’t sure why.
After filling out all the papers, Clyde, Steven and Woody walked back out of the office and into the hangar. Woody gave Steven a few instructions about the flight and showed him on a map where they’d be heading. It was a loop around the majority of Glacier National Park. Steven had seen some of the peaks from Route 2, but there was another two million or so acres he’d never seen. Now he’d get the best view possible.
“Steven,” Woody inquired, “since it’s just you and me, do you want to sit in the cockpit with me? You‘ll get the best view from...”
“ABSOLUTELY!” Steven interrupted.
“Well, you seem ready to go. Let’s get flying!” Woody grabbed his jacket and headed toward the plane. Clyde stopped Steven just before he floated away.
“Hey, Steven. Happy birthday. How old are you today?”
“Clyde, I feel like I’m ten. This is the best gift ever. Thank you.” Steven gave Clyde one of his own patented bear hugs, then ran off to the plane. Steven went up the three small steps, then Woody shut the door behind him.
A minute later, Woody began driving the plane down the smaller runway in the back of the airport. They had a single runway just for private and smaller planes, like Woody’s Cessna. Steven watched as Woody put his headset on and began to map out coordinates to the traffic tower. He was mesmerized by the whole process, though he didn’t understand a word Woody was saying. Steven studied all the buttons, dials and switches, wondering what each one did. It was almost too much to take in at once.
The two engines instantly roared. Woody pulled the throttle back and the plane began to roll faster and faster down the runway. Steven was slightly scared going this fast, but he knew the plane had to build up enough speed to take off. Just when it seemed like the plane couldn’t run any faster, the nose of the plane lifted off the ground. It felt like they were going vertically into the air for a brief moment. Steven was pinned against the back of his seat.
“Having fun yet?” Woody asked Steven.
“This is awesome!” Steven exclaimed. “YAH HOO!”
Just a few seconds later, they reached 6,500 feet and were soaring above several high peaks and navigating around others. It was an incredible position to be seeing the Rockies from. And Steven was watching for all the peaks and the lakes that dotted the landscape. But he seemed more fascinated by Woody and what he was doing next to him in the cockpit. Flicking switches, turning knobs, pulling the throttle back and forth, side to side. Steven was mystified by the whole process.
Instantly, Steven’s mind raced back to his childhood. Steven was ten and the Hassmann’s were taking a vacation to Florida to visit Al’s parents, who had just retired. Usually, they all took the family station wagon on trips. But Al had just made a very large sale and the family had some extra money, so they decided to fly down. Young Steven was thrilled. He always loved to see planes fly over their house or to see them on TV. To actually get to ride on one was the thrill of a little boy’s life.
Steven walked down the long tunnel and entered the plane, wide-eyed. His mom held his hand and walked him to his seat. His smile got even wider when he realized it was a window seat! There was no fear of the heights he would be climbing to; just the joy of seeing everything he could see for the whole trip.
Steven’s parents were warned that children are afraid of the loud engines and the shaking of the cabin during take-off. Steven never said a word. His nose was against the window, watching all the cars and houses get smaller and smaller as they got farther away.
While the flight attendant was serving lunch, she asked Steven if he’d like to visit the cockpit. Steven reached another level of euphoria. He bounced up and down in the seat, delighted at his good fortune. He waited and waited for the woman to come back to retrieve him. He waited some more.
“Mommy,” Steven said. “When are they going to show me the cockpit?”
“Shhh,” Marge hushed her son. “The plane has some turbulence and they told us not to get out of our seats. Hopefully, they’ll be able to take you.”
Then a voice came over the intercom inside the cabin. “Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is your pilot speaking. We are preparing for final approach to our destination, Miami International Airport. At this time, please buckle your seatbelts and return your seats to their locked and upright position.”
“Mommy,” Steven asked in a panic. “What’s happening?”
“We’re going to land soon.”
“No! Can’t I see the cockpit?”
“I’m sorry. No, dear.”
Steven began to cry and pound the seat. Everyone thought he was scared with the change in pressure and the landing. But he was angry. Very angry. Angrier than he had ever been before or since. The rage continued right through the landing, the plane parking at the gate, and the passengers leaving the plane. Steven was so out of control, his mom couldn’t even get his attention enough to tell him that he could see the cockpit briefly as he exited the plane. They just didn’t want to make a bigger scene. So they left in a hurry.
Why didn’t I ever remember that? Steven wondered as he continued to study Woody’s every move.
“Tell me what you’re doing,” Steven asked. “Everything.”
Woody began to explain about the dials: the pressure levels, altitude meters, gas levels. Some of the controls he used all the time, some not at all. Steven soaked it all up. He instantly memorized every one.
“You want to steer the plane?” Woody asked.
“Really? Can I?”
“Sure. Here, grab this handle.” Woody took Steven’s hand and placed it on the throttle. “Just hold it steady. No jerky motions. There, you’ve got it. See, you’re flying! Now, just pull it a little towards you...Great! Nice bank turn! Just like a pro!”
Steven felt alive, more than he ever had before. Something more than just flying an airplane was taking place in Steven’s heart. A peace was rising up in his spirit, almost like this was a familiar place to be in. It just felt right to be where he was, as he was.
Welcome home, son.
Steven hadn’t heard the voice since his dorm room, when he watched Billy Graham and felt the call to ministry. He was just as startled by it this time as he was today. A tingle ran up Steven’s back as he heard the words in his spirit. He knew it was God. There was no doubt. Being at Liberty Hill, he had become very aware of His presence with him every day. But His voice had not resurfaced. Until now. Steven didn’t try to analyze the situation. He didn’t have the time - he was too busy steering the airplane.

Woody brought the plane in for a safe, comfortable landing. A small tear dripped down Steven’s face, like he was leaving a close friend in the sky. Once the plane touched down and the engines dropped into a lower gear, Woody signed off from the traffic tower and removed his headset. He continued to roll the plane down the runway, back to the hangar. Clyde was waiting at the entrance. Steven could see him through the cockpit window. He gave Clyde a big ’thumbs up’.
Once the plane stopped, Woody shut off the engines and turned to Steven.
“You know, you’re something else.”
“What do you mean?” Steven asked.
“I take charters like this all the time,” Woody recalled. “No one, I mean no one, has ever been more interested in flying the plane than you. Most people could care less.”
“I’ve just always liked to fly. Since I was a little kid.”
“You ever thought about taking flying lessons? Getting a pilot’s license?”
“Oh, no. I couldn’t do that.”
“Why not? You sure seem to love this.”
“Yeah, but my wife would panic if I wanted to do something this risky. And it’s really expensive, isn’t it? I’ve always been too busy to commit to it and...”
“Excuses, excuses, excuses,“ Woody interrupted. “Look, I’m an old man. I‘ll be seventy next month. I can’t do this much longer. I want to keep my feet on the ground now. But flying has filled my life for the last forty-six years. I built this company up from an old crop duster. But my kids are all gone with their families now. I don’t want to just ditch this business - it’s meant too much to me.
“What’s that got to do with me?“ Steven wondered aloud.
“You’ve got the same passion for flying that I have. I could see it in your eyes up there. You feel like you come alive when you fly. You belong up there more than you do down here.”
Steven was living every word.
“Clyde told me a lot about you. How you’re looking to start things over for you and your family. You’re an honest and decent Christian man. I think you’re the type of guy I’m looking for.”
“To do what?”
“To take over my business. To run the charter flights.”
“How am I supposed to do that? I don‘t know how to fly a plane!”
“I’ll train you. I’ve got a teaching certificate. I kept up the paperwork for something like this.”
“How am I supposed to pay for it?”
“I’ll train you for free. All the lessons and everything.”
“For free?”
“Sure. I’ve got a C172 in the back you can train on. It’s not as big as this plane, so it’ll be easier for you to handle.”
“Wait, wait,” Steven tried to get a handle on this conversation. It was happening much too fast.
“There are guidelines for your training,” Woody continued. “There is classroom work I can teach you. Then you fly with me until your comfortable to go on your own. Then you have to do a cross-country solo flight. The rest is all formality. It’s easy if you‘ve got the mind for it. And you do. Then, you buy the business from me. You fly all the charter flights. What do you think?”
Steven was dumbfounded. This is how God reveals your future? He just drops it in your lap, like this? Steven tried to come up with more excuses why he shouldn’t do it. In the moment, he couldn’t come up with one. Was there anything else he loved more than flying? Besides Jesus, Heather and Bree, not really. What job did he have to look forward to once he was done at Liberty Hill? Nothing. Where else would he go? Nowhere. What would Heather think? She likes snow. And if I was happy and at peace, He reasoned, she’d be happy and at peace. Somehow, as crazy as the prospect sounded, it seemed crazy not to do it.
“Woody, I’ll do it!” Steven extended his hand and they shook on the deal.
A few minutes later, Steven opened the door of the plane and hopped down the stairs to the concrete below. Clyde ran out of the office and up to Steven.
“So how was your trip, buddy?”
“Clyde, it was incredible.”
“Tell me about everything you saw.”
“Well, for starters, I saw my future. Clyde, welcome to Hassmann Aviation.” Steven smiled as he walked past Clyde into what would soon be his office.
Clyde was dumbfounded “Wait! What? Steven? What does that mean?”

Holy stinkies! It's been a week since I've updated!

Hey, everyone! Between trying to get my word count up and working and our family trip to North Carolina, which concluded today, I've been very negligent about posting updates here. But here you go - the last seven days or so. I'm currently at 35,571, well on my way to 50,000. Enjoy -

Two security guards waited inside the stage door of the convention center, ready to lead Steven out to a car that was waiting to take him to a motel outside of town where he would spend the night. Dr. Singleton helped Steven into the bathroom so Steven could splash some water on his face before his journey into public for the first time since the events of this day became public.
The news of Steven’s activities at the Oasis Lounge quickly became a national news story. Eleven o’clock newscasts led with breaking news from Chicago, where the new president of the National Evangelical Union had been videotaped by undercover officers pleasuring himself at a sex shop. The police where there looking to bust what ever they could at the Oasis Lounge that afternoon and evening - drugs, prostitution, or other illegal things. They eventually arrested three performers for sexual contact with paying customers, a form of prostitution; and four “customers” for public lewdness, one of them supposedly being Rev. Steven Hassmann. Undercover videotape showed Steven in one of the rooms at the Lounge, preparing to masturbate. Night vision videotape of Steven was being shown on news programs all over the country.
It didn’t long - maybe two hours - for the media to latch on to this story and made it their next sensational news event: “Spiritual Leader Caught With His Pants Down”, the evening edition of the Chicago Gazette read. Cable news channels went with wall to wall coverage, revealing a nation’s shock and surprise that one of its most trusted spiritual leaders was a sexual addict. Reporters began the shredding, piece by piece, of any integrity Steven had with the public. Shocked Spring Arbor residents were interviewed in the streets, having to explain how they didn’t know their esteemed minister was such a disgusting man who were naturally shocked by the reports. Other pastors were paraded across the screen with intense scrutiny, needing to explain how one of their own could do such horrible things. These pastors also had to stand up for the church as a whole. The attitude of many of the reporters seemed to accuse all pastors and church leaders of being hypocrites. Psychologists were presented to try and explain the mental state of someone like Rev. Hassmann, and how he could keep such a perverted life hidden for so long. Investigative reporters were dispatched to find out all the dirt they could on Steven. They talked to people at Woodlawn and Summerset, most of whom had never met Steven. It became a feeding frenzy all about Rev. Steven Hassmann, “The Pornographic Pastor”.
The side alley was a sea of activity. Reporters, still cameras, video cameras, boom microphones and flood lights were held up in the alley around the car, like an army batallion, waiting to attack the on-coming horde. Inside the auditorium, Steven gathered himself, knowing full well what waited for him on the other side of the door. The journey past the media would only be twenty feet or so, but he knew it would seem like a lifetime. He took a deep breath and looked over at Dr. Wiloughby.
“I’m sorry I’m putting everyone through this. I never wanted it to be this way.”
“We know,” Dr. W gave Steven a bear hug, as a show of support. “I’m going with you to the motel. We need to brief you on the way as to what Ray and I have set up for you and what’s going to happen here.”
“Does Heather know what’s happening?”
“Yes. She was heading to Shortville, but the media - those bastards! - almost ran her off the road trying to get a statement from her.”
“Is she alright?” Steven was sincerely concerned.
“Oh, yes. You know Heather, the toughest cookie of them all. She ended up almost running them off the road. I hope they have it on tape. I’d like to see that! Anyway, we sent a policeman to her to escort her back to your home. Breeanna’s there with her.”
Steven began to cry again, thinking about how his fourteen year old daughter is taking the news.
“Steven, Breeanna’s fine, also. She’s a chip off your mother’s block. As her mother and she were walking back into the house, the media was screaming nasty questions at them. She turned around, looked at them and fired back, ‘I love my dad, you hear me! I LOVE MY DAD!’. They’re both standing with you. You’re a lucky man, Steven.”
“Yeah, Dr. Wiloughby. I know.”
“We need to leave.” Dr. W said to Steven and to the waiting security guards.
The sea of reporters in the alley surged as the door opened and Steven, Dr. W and the guards quickly passed by. Light bulbs flashed and reporters bombed the passing entourage with questions -
“Rev. Hassmann, why was your luggage at the Oasis Lounge?”
“Rev. Hassmann, does your wife know about your sexual history?”
“How can you reconcile being a pastor with that type of lifestyle?”
Steven didn’t hear much of the questioning. It was an eight second journey from the door to the car. He and Dr. W quickly jumped into the car and the door was slammed behind him. In an instant, the car sped off out of the alley, onto Martin St. toward the interstate.
In the car, Dr. Wiloughby laid out Steven’s agenda. He would be staying at a motel tonight under constant surveillance, so that the media wouldn’t hound him or he wouldn’t try to run away. Another car would come by at 7:30 in the morning to take Steven to O’Hare, where a chartered plane is waiting to take Steven to Montana. He will meet another car at the airport in Helena, which will take him to Liberty Hills.
“How long will I be there?” Steven wondered.
“There are three-month, six-month, or one year programs,” Dr. W explained. “I understand it all depends on the pace of your recovery.”
“So I’m just going to be sitting in counseling sessions all day?”
“Oh, no,” Dr. Wiloughby corrected Steven. “You’re a resident of the program just like every other guy there. You have to pay your way while you’re here. They find you a job in town to make money. You’ll have responsibilities at the camp - cooking and cleaning There are social things to do. You will have a lot of session work, too. They’ll explain it all to you when you get there.”
“What about the church? Sunday morning? Wow, it‘s going to be a zoo there, isn‘t it?”
“Probably. I’ll be there to preach this Sunday and talk about these issues. After that, your elder team will take turns. Hopefully, the church will run like the machine it always has been, even in your absence.”
Steven started to cry again, thinking about all the people in Spring Arbor he had let down. “Do they want to kill me?”
“Some do, most are sympathetic, however,” Dr. Wiloughby reassured Steven. “There is no organized effort to get you tossed out of the church. Not yet, anyway. You do have an assignment tonight when you get to your room. I need a statement for the media. Dr. Singleton and I are doing a press conference tomorrow morning, while your at the airport. We need to make remarks to the media and we need to give you some privacy as you get out of town. Can you do that?”
“Sure.” Steven paused. “Dr. Wiloughby, can you pray for me?”
“I’d be honored.” Dr. Wiloughby put his arm around Steven. “Lord, I bring Steven before you. None of the events that have transpired in his life are a surprise to you. Your eyes see it all. Yet, Father, You love him with an everlasting love. You’ve drawn him with your loving kindness as Your Word says in Jeremiah 33. I thank you for what’s happened, Lord. It hurts. Steven is in a great deal of pain. But the breaking needed to happen for You to get the glory out of life that is waiting for Your healing touch.
“Father, bring that healing now. I place Steven under Your wings and ask for grace and mercy in Montana while he’s gone. Use the counselors and other residents to move Steven toward healing and wholeness. Bless Heather and Breeanna in the days to come. Protect this family. Make it stronger than it ever has been. Keep them safe amidst the turmoil around them now.
“Lord, Steven Hassmann is Your child. Hold him, surround him with You love. Let him know deep in his spirit that You have not left him alone. In Jesus’ Name I pray. Amen.
Dr. Wiloughby continued as the car pulled up in front of his motel room. “Steven, remember the first day I met you? I asked you a question. Do you remember it?”
“Why am I here?”
“Right. Steven, you thought you answered the question. ’I’m going to be important and famous. I’ll be a pastor and achieve great things.’ Well, as we sit here today, that plan seems to have failed. But consider this phase a second chance. A do-over. You can start from scratch and try to figure out the real answer to that question. Not many people get a chance like this. You’re very fortunate.” Dr. Wiloughby hugged Steven again.
“You’re in room 27. Get some sleep. I’ll call you in the morning. Don’t forget to write out the statement.”
“I won’t. Thank you so much, Dr. Wiloughby.”
“You know what? After a night like tonight, the formality is over. Call me Marcus.”
A tiny proud smile came to Steven’s face. “Ok, Marcus.”
Steven opened the door of the car and made his way to the motel room. One of the guards had checked him in and stood waiting at the door to unlock it.
Steven chuckled at the ridiculousness of the scene. “Wake-up call at 6, James. And make sure my bath is drawn for me.” He said sarcastically to the guard, who laughed, obviously appreciating the joke. Steven was handed a small shoulder bag, which had a change of clothes and toiletries. He entered the room and closed the door.
Steven surveyed the scene. A typical motel room, like the ones he’d stayed in a thousand time before. One full size bed with a desk by the window. One thing was missing - the television. No chance to see any X-rated movies tonight. Or, Steven thought, the news reports of what’s going on. Steven grabbed a piece of the stationery in the room and began writing his remarks, as Marcus had asked him to.


Dr. Singleton and Dr. Wiloughby stood at a podium at the Convention Center, ready to defend themselves against the onslaught the media was ready to throw at them. There were nearly three hundred media credentials passed out for the press conference, more than five times the number requested for the convention before the firestorm kicked up last night. The crowd quieted down as Dr. Singleton took the microphone and began to speak.
“Ladies and gentleman, members of the press, I want to thank you all for coming. As you may already know, my name is Dr. Ray Singleton, and I am on the board of Directors for the National Evangelical Union. I will be making some remarks here this morning, as well as reading a statement from Rev. Hassmann, which I will be making available to you after this is over. We will not be taking questions at this time. We only have a few minutes for you today and, as you can imagine, there are several other pressing matters to tend to right now.
“This morning follows a hard night of shocking revelations about our president-elect, Reverend Steven James Hassmann. He has been a man of great honor and wisdom, faithfully serving Spring Arbor Community Church for nearly nineteen years. He has advised local and national political leaders, preached in numerous other countries and been a leading voice for moral change in our nation, through our organization and others.
“We as a board were, as you can well imagine, the most shocked of all to hear of Rev. Hassmann’s decision to visit a known sex house yesterday afternoon, on the heels of his being named president of our organization. He has admitted to us as a board of directors that he was there, though with the videotape that Chicago police have in their possession, it’s hard to deny. He has shown genuine repentance for his actions. Rev. Hassmann has recounted to us a long standing struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. This is not, unfortunately, a random event.
“Because of this, and his obvious need for counseling and recovery, the National Evangelical Union will not retain Steven Hassmann as its president as the organization moves forward. Dr. Yung Tan, our out-going president, will remain on in an interim role, until a new president can be found.
“Rev. Hassmann is a good man, who understands the grave need to get his life, family, and ministry in order. He is going to be entering a rehabilitation program for sexual addiction immediately, where all parties concerned hope he receives the help he needs to move forward with his life.
“At this time, I’d like to read Rev. Hassmann’s statement to you -
Dr. Singleton removed a single piece of lined paper from his portfolio case.
“I wish to thank all of you who have been praying for me since news of what I have done has surfaced. I have a serious problem which stems back to my childhood. I have heard from those I respect the most that I need to fix my life, and that is what I intend to do.
To my church family in Spring Arbor, and those to whom I have poured out my heart over the last twenty years, I am sincerely sorry for the pain and deception I led you through. It was never my intention to do this to you, and wish I never had. I have written a separate letter to the elder board at Spring Arbor church, resigning my role as pastor there effective immediately. I know I cannot resume my ministry functions there, because of the great wound I have inflicted. I pray the church goes on from here, stronger than before. And it will, because it is God’s church, not mine.
I ask the media to be kind and to leave my family alone. My wife and my daughter do not need to live under the microscope you so often perpetrate on those closest to a story like this. They have been through enough in the last twelve hours. Please give them space.
To conclude, I’d like to share a verse that I found that menas a lot to me in this time of great searching. It is Micah 7, verses 8 and 9: ‘Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord’s wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes me right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.’.
“Thank you all who pray for me. May God bless you.”
“Folks,” Dr. Singleton continued, “that’s all we have. No questions today, as I mentioned. We will give you more information as it’s made available. Thank you.”
Though there were no questions being answered, it didn’t stop the throng of media members from firing a loud roar at the two men as they hurriedly left the stage area.
“I hope Steven made it to the plane alright,” Dr. W asked. “I hope this was enough of a diversion.”
“We’ll find out,” Dr. Singleton answered.

It had been. No media followed Steven as his car made its way onto the tarmac toward his waiting plane. He was greatly relieved. He didn’t sleep much and he was concerned what he might say or do if a reporter got a little too close or said the wrong thing. As he was approaching the plane, a second car was coming out onto the landing strip from the opposite direction. Steven thought it might be Marcus or Dr. Singleton coming out to see him off. As Steven opened the door and stepped out, the other car’s back door opened, too.
It was Heather and Breeanna.
Steven dropped his duffelbag and ran across the lot and embraced his wife and daughter. Tears of joy and sorrow flowed freely once again. Steven kissed them both.
Steven looked at Heather. “I can’t believe you’re here. I mean, last night...”
“I know. Look, Steven, I’m not ready to forgive you. I can’t go there. But I wanted to see you before you left to let you know that we’re not leaving.”
Steven cried more as she announced her decision. “I’m so glad. Oh, I’m so glad!” He hugged them both again and again.
“We said for better or for worse. I guess this is worse. But I trust you enough to know that you want your life and us to be better.”
“Oh, yes!” Steven exclaimed.
“Dr. Wiloughby called me last night and helped me through some things with all this. I don’t really understand it. But he told me about Montana and how you’re eager to fix all this. So I’ll stand by you. We’ll see how it all works out.”
“I am so glad, Heather. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you.” Steven looked at his beautiful daughter. “And you...I’m just so, so sorry!”
“Dad, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I want you to be better. So I’m proud of you for going to Montana.”
Steven hugged Bree again.
“Excuse me, sir,” the pilot stuck his head out of the door of the plane. “We are cleared for take-off. We need to go.”
Steven took one last look at his ladies, gave them another hug and kiss and started to board the plane.
“I wish I’d been honest with you guys. Right from the start. I’ll do better. I’ll make it right.”
Steven kissed Heather one final time, then the plane was sealed up behind him. Heather and Bree got back into their car and drove off to safely watch the take-off from inside the hangar. Inside the car, Bree began to sob at the thought of losing her daddy. Heather held her strongly, comforting her. Though she needed just as much, if not more comforting, at the thought of losing her soulmate. These would be tough days ahead, Heather concluded.
As the plane climbed into the sky, Steven pulled a notebook from his bag. Marcus had encouraged him during a brief phone call this morning to start a journal, writing out his feelings so he could better understand them. In all his years, Steven had never journaled. Since he was starting over in many ways, now seemed like the perfect time to start.

Hi! I’m not really sure if I should say hello, or address it “Dear Journal” or what I’m supposed to do. Does it really matter? This is my journal. No one else is going to read this, right? Or maybe they will at the camp I’m going to and figure out my deepest darkest secrets. Right now I’m on a plane heading for Montana. What’s in Montana? Liberty Hill, a live-in program for guys that have screwed up their lives. Dr. W said there are drug addicts, alcoholics, guys who have been suicidal. I wonder how many guys like me there will be? I’m not proud of how I destroyed things back home. I think I got in over my head and I didn’t have the balls to step up and say I had a problem. I’m glad I got found out. It’s like I needed to get caught so things could get fixed. I’m glad Heather and Bree came to say goodbye. She told me she wasn’t leaving. Thank God for that. I’m not sure what I’d do without her. I don’t tell her I love her enough. She’s so great and I ignore her to spend my time with some girl on my computer that wouldn’t know me or care about me if I fell over her in the street. It would be easy to say just love her. Be a good husband. But I have no idea how to do that. I’m scared I can’t be what she needs and no matter what I do, I’m going to fail. I hope I can figure some of this stuff out while I’m in Montana.
The pilot just said we’re going to land in a few minutes. The trip was nearly two hours and I only wrote this much. I’m not really slow. I just spent a lot of time watching out the window. The Rockies are beautiful this time of year, with the snow on them. It’s hard to believe they’re real. It’s like I’m looking at a painting or something. I love flying. Traveling. Always have. I don’t know why. Something in me just loves being up here. I want to go tell the pilot to go back around to Chicago one more time so I can see the views all over again. Well, we’re going to land. Got to get the seat in an upright position.


The original plan was to fly into the airport in Helena, then take a car to the camp, about an hour and a half away. With all the commotion happening in Chicago, Dr. Singleton didn’t want to take any chances with Steven getting beaten up by reporters brave enough to beat the plane to the airport. So they diverted the plane to a small landing strip about twenty miles away, in Greeley. The manager at the Helena airport said the plane could fly into Greeley and no one, not even the people who run the traffic tower there, would notice. He wasn’t too far off.
The small plane skidded to a stop at the end of a bumpy asphalt runway. Large piles of freshly plowed snow lined both sides of the runway. It looked beautiful out there, Steven marveled as he continued to look out the window as the plane came to a complete stop.
“Well, Steven, it looks pretty out there. It snowed eight inches last night and this morning. But now, as you can see, the sun is out and it should be a nice December day. Current temperature at Helena airport is 11 degrees above zero.”
Eleven degrees? Oh, man! I don’t have a winter coat, Steven responded. Wait a minute, he thought. They were miles from Helena. Maybe the temperature moderates a little out here.
“Current temperature here at Greeley is 7 above zero.”
AARGH! Steven sank down in his seat. A winter full of this? It was like being sentenced to the Gulag during the Cold War.
The door of the plane swung open and a blast of frigid air filled the main compartment. Steven almost ducked under the seat to avoid it. Then a large man walked up the stairs to enter the plane. He had a bushy white beard and wore a big flannel shirt. No coat, huh, Steven noticed. Must be a native.
“Welcome to Montana, Steven.” The welcome wagon said.
“Thanks. I’m a little cold. I’m a little underdressed for...”
“Don’t worry,” and with that Steven was presented with a large black and green parka that probably had the equivalent of one hundred feather pillows in it. “Wear this. It’s standard issue for guys at Liberty Hill.”
“So you are the welcome wagon, huh?”
“That would be me, friend. Clyde Norris. I’m one of the counselors at the camp.” Clyde shook Steven’s hand. Steven felt like Clyde’s grip would tear his hand off.
“So how far away from the camp are we?” Steven asked trying to get his bearings.
“It’s about an hour due west. We should get there by nightfall.” Clyde estimated, looking at his watch.
“An hour? Nightfall?” Steven looked at his watch. “It gets dark here at 3 in the afternoon?”
“Oh, no,” Clyde responded slyly. “The camp is an hour due west. We’re going two and a half hours due east first.”
Clyde picked up Steven’s bag and hurried off toward the parking lot. Steven could barely keep up, between the pace of Clyde’s walking and the thin air at the high altitude. Clyde threw open the back hatch of his SUV, a white Explorer with four wheel drive, a necessity in the peaks with the frequent snowfall. He spun around and jumped into the driver’s seat. Steven was amazed that a man so large could move with that kind of agility. Steven tried to move with the same fire, but was too easily winded.
“Ready to go?” Clyde asked with a smile.
“Sure,” a winded Steven responded.
The two men pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward the mountains. Up and up they climbed. At times it seemed like the truck was climbing at a 90 degree angle. Up and around windy roads paved into the side of smaller, less formidable mountains the twosome traveled. Many of the corners were washed out with drifted patches of snow. Clyde had gone around those passes a thousand times. He handled everyone like he knew they were coming.
Clyde and Steven went through a twisty section between two mountains that, wit the high pine trees, seemed to block out the sun. Then, as they rounded the last bend, Steven saw it. The Rocky Mountains parted ways before them and the mighty expanses gave way. What laid before them was hundreds and hundreds of miles of the most gorgeous view Steven had ever seen. High peaks set one by one beside each other. The recent snows in the valleys were only shadows of what had been happening above 15,000 feet for two months. It looked like someone had come along and sprinkled dust on top of the mountains. Dusted? More like dumped. Some of those peaks had ten to twenty feet added to their totals just in the last day!
Clyde brought the SUV to a stop at a scenic overlook on the road. Clyde jumped out, took a deep breath the likes of which only a veteran of the mountains could take. He walked away from Steven and the truck and leaned on a wooden beam railing. Steven just continued to marvel at the scene that lay before him.
“It’s beautiful, ain’t it?” Clyde asked in his customary drawl.
“Yeah,” Steven was practically speechless.
“Just take it all in, Steven,” Clyde instructed. “Just take it all in.”
The two stood on top of the peak for nearly thirty minutes, just reveling in the majesty of the scene.
“I bring all the new guys up here before we go to the camp.” Clyde finally broke the silence. “You know why?”
Steven shook his head ’no’.
“Most people will see the mountains and the valleys. The snow. The forests. You know what I see? Endless possibilities. You know Isaiah 55?”
“Yeah,” Steven answered. “The prophet says God’s ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts.”
“It’s like our vision,” Clyde continued. “We see our daily events. Bills to pay, work to do. The same old stuff day after day. But that’s how WE see it. God sees so much more. The ups and the downs, sure. But He sees how it’s supposed to be. You know how in Jeremiah 1 God says that He knew the prophet fully before God made him in his mother’s womb? That plan was God’s original glory for you, Steven. You got off track - way off track - and you wound up here. That’s what Liberty Hill is all about. That’s what my ministry here is all about. Getting you to see the future. And everything God’s put in it for you. Can you see it, Steven?”
Steven was silent. A single tear trickled down his cheek. He tried to wipe it away before Clyde could see.
“You will, friend. You will. You’ve got lots of time left. No need to push the panic button yet. Come on - your first group session is later tonight.”
Clyde put his arm around Steven as they made their way back to their SUV. It was Clyde’s job to know all the details of the new residents. He knew the pornography, the affair, the secret lifestyle. Clyde’s compassion was as big as he was. They had another two hours ahead of them before they reached the camp.


Liberty Hill sat on the top of a mountain, an altitude of about 8,500 feet. Clyde and Steven went from interstate driving to two lane road, from two lane road to one lane road, then down to a single dirt road. Clyde pointed up the side of the terrain directly before them.
“See up there?” Clyde pointed as a vague section of rock and trees. “The camp’s up there.”. Steven tried to no avail to pick out anything resembling a camp.
Hand painted signs began to line the dirt path - LIBERTY HILL, 1000 FEET. Then - LIBERTY HILL, NEXT RIGHT. As they took the right, a paved driveway picked up again. In the distance, a large log cabin building. Two smaller buildings sat off the either side. Clyde pulled the SUV up next to another smaller car in front of the main lodge.
“Welcome to Liberty Hill!” Clyde climbed out of the truck, grabbed Steven’s bag and headed for the door. “You’ve got to check in. Follow me!” Clyde seemed more interested in getting settled in than Steven did himself. Steven entered the lodge, in a half-jog to keep up with Clyde.
Steven had heard about live-in programs like this. He had even sent a couple of guys to a camp in Oklahoma. Steven was reminded of Greg Nolan. Back about eight years ago, Greg’s wife Julie turned him in. He had been drinking heavier and heavier, so much that this respected businessman was skipping meetings, lying to his family and spending thousands of dollars covering up his habit. About three weeks after entering the program, Steven received a call from Julie saying Greg had been moved to a more intensive program. Greg had become so enraged by the staff attempting to “cure” him, that he would daily get into fights and battles with other residents and staff. Whether it was a lack of alcohol or just the reality that his life was out of control, Steven never knew. But the last Steven had heard, Julie was in process to divorce Greg, who was beginning psychological testing for manic depression and a host of other mental issues. Steven didn’t know what to expect from himself. He agreed with Clyde; his life was off track beyond what he could fix. But how would they propose to get it back on track again? What would he have to admit to? Steven had never let anyone, even Heather and the associate pastors at the church, get so close. The time had come to get it right. Steven wondered if he’d have the guts.
Clyde led Steven to his room. A winding stairway led to a community bedroom with six bunks in it. The log timbers for walls and the unfinished wood bunks gave the room a real rustic feel. Clyde pointed to the bottom bunk in the corner. “You’re going to be over there.”
Clyde tossed Steven’s bag on the bed and went over to the closet to dig out a blanket and some sheets. “Now here’s the schedule for tonight. Dinner’s at 6. You’ll be on team B, so you’ve got clean-up duty this week. Next week, it switches to set-up. After you’re done, Ryan wants to meet with you. He’s the leader of the counselors and he wants to have a first meeting with you to get to know you a little bit. Then lights out is at 10:30. You’ll be up by 6. You start work at 8 in town.”
“Work? I thought this was a counseling program?”
“Yeah, but it ain’t free. You pay by working a job in town and all the money goes to pay for the program.”
“And what, pray tell, will I be doing?” Steven wondered aloud.
“B & H Construction. They need a day laborer for a roofing job.”
“Roofing? Clyde, it’s below zero out there! I’ll freeze!”
“Well, the only other position we’ve got right now is cleaning up the stables at the Equestrian Center in town. At least you’d be inside!”
Steven considered the options: on top of a roof with a nail gun, or inside with the fragrance of fresh horse droppings.
“I’ll do the construction.” Steven concluded. “That’s where I had to go when I came here the first time.”
Steven looked at Clyde amazed. “You were in the program?”
“Oh, yes. Twice!” Clyde recalled as he finished making Steven’s bed. “The first time I was only here because my parole officer told me I had to be. Stayed the three months and took off. Went right back in to drinking and partying the minute I got home.”
“So what made you come back the second time, if you don’t mind me asking?” Steven probed.
“I was driving home from a New Year’s Eve party. Drunker than a skunk. I ran a stop sign and t-boned a car going the other way. A college girl was driving home from her boyfriend’s house. Didn’t see me coming. She survived, though. She was the only one in the car. If someone had been riding shotgun, they would have died instantly. But that accident was sure a wake-up call to me. You only have to come that close once, in my opinion. That kind of deal sobers you up so quick.
“I lost my license after that, but I didn’t care. I was on the first plane back here. I checked myself back in, got clean and straight. I finished my college degree, then went back for my Master’s so I can work here. I’m only four classes away from finishing.”
“Clyde, that’s so awesome.” Steven replied, legitimately amazed at Clyde’s story.
“No. The awesome part will be when you can tell your story to someone, so they get free. You will. Trust me.”



“Good evening, everyone,” the counselor, Ryan, addressed the group of seven men sitting in a circle on simple tan metal chairs in the center of the gym floor. The basketball court was well-lit, with the hoops bookending the room. “We have a new member of our group tonight. Why don’t we go around the room quickly and introduce ourselves? Tim, let’s start with you.”
Steven listened as one by one, the other men briefly described the hell that led them to the same place Steven found himself.
“I’m Tim, I’ve been here about three months. I’d been a crack dealer and a user since my sophomore year of high school.”
“Hey, I’m Kevin and I’ve been clean six weeks and MAN! does it feel good!”
“I’m Rob. My wife found me having sex with a man in my own bed. I’ve been bisexual for eleven years.”
“I’m Rolando. My big three to get rid of are sex, drugs, and stealing. God’s dealing with me. It’s a long road, but he’s working.”
“Hi, I’m Lester. Tim mentioned crack. I was the biggest seller in Central City. But when I wanted to go clean, I couldn’t just walk away. I had to get in a program far away. Here I am.”
“Craig here. I’ve been masturbating since I was ten. I’m so freaked out about sex, I can’t have a healthy relationship. All I think about is how I’m going to have sex with them.”
The line came to Steven. He was scared to go too far in depth the first time.
“Hi, guys. I’m Steven. I’m a sex addict.” He looked at Craig. “A lot like you, I suppose.”
“Steven, don’t feel like you have to participate tonight. This is your first night seeing how we run our group. Here in the program, we try to work on one guy’s issues each meeting. I do, however, have a few questions for you.” Ryan flipped a couple of pages over on his clipboard. “Steven, when did you accept Christ as your Savior? You remember the date?”
Steven tried to think. “Well, it was my second year of college. I was in my room, watching Billy Graham. I just knew it was right.”
Ryan addressed the group. “How many of us have been impacted by Dr. Graham’s ministry, huh?” All the guys raised their hands. “So, that was the night?”
“Yep, I started on the road to being a pastor that night.”
“God called you into the ministry the same night? Wow, how did that feel?”
“Powerful. No one else understood it; my roommate, my friends...” Steven paused. “...my father. But I knew deep in my heart it was right.”
“So how had your personal walk with God been? To hear God in that way, you must really have the inside scoop.”
“God and I have always had more of a business relationship than a personal one.”
Ryan was puzzled. “What do you mean by that?”
“Well,” Steven tried to explain, “Serving the church was my job, my career. I gave everything for them. Basically, I was the COO; God was the CEO. He spoke, I listened. He commanded, I performed.”
“And you found joy from that?”
“Sure,” Steven reasoned. “There’s nothing better than seeing people in church get right with God.”
“But what about you, Steven? Are you ‘right with God’?”
Steven paused to get his answer. “Yeah, I think so. Well, of course, except for the reason I’m here. That’s not right. But I’ve done everything else on the list. I was told to be a pastor, and I accomplished a lot. Now, I’m off track, but I have to get right and back in the saddle. The church needs me.”
“And do you think you’ll get...’fired’...if you don’t shape up?” Ryan probed.
“Ryan, I was put on this earth to be a pastor. It’s what I do best!”
“You were put on this earth to do God’s purpose, sure. But being a pastor is all you’ve got?”
“What do you mean, ‘all I’ve got’? That’s enough!”
Ryan shook his head. “Oh, Steven, there’s more. So much more. It sounds to me like you came to God as an employment agency. You’re a pastor. You’ve never said to your people that they could have a “personal relationship” with Jesus Christ?”
“Of course! What kind of minister would I be if I never gave people that chance?”
“Well, it sounds like you need an altar call yourself.”
Steven stood up, offended. “Excuse me, where do you get off judging my religion? I was just elected president of the National Evangelical Union!”
“And I’m going to be perfectly honest with you,” Ryan interrupted, “No one gives a crap about who you are. To all of us, do you know who you are? A sexual addict, a hypocrite. And you’ll never get right if all you think about God is that He’s some cruel taskmaster that will fire you if the membership roles start to slip.”
“You’re an asshole. I want another counselor.” Steven stood up to leave. As he put his hand on the doorknob, Ryan broke in -
“How’s your dad, Steven?”
Steven paused for a moment. He fought back tears. The question stabbed him like a dagger.
“I said how’s your dad, Steven?”
Steven didn’t turn around. “I’m not talking about him. Back off.”
“You were never very close to him, were you? He probably worked late hours. Pushed you to succeed. I’ll bet you didn’t talk to him much. Never sought his advice. Every guy here has a father wound, Steven. It’s the biggest hurdle you face here. He wouldn’t know about your problems if you smacked him in the face with them, would he? Does he even know you‘re here?”
Steven wiped the tears from his eyes. “No.”
“Why not? Embarrassed he’ll figure out you’re a porn-maniac?”
“BECAUSE HE’S DEAD, you son of a bitch, all right? HE’S DEAD!” Steven ran out of the gym and down the dirt path. Ryan followed out into the parking lot, where the moon and one single street light lit the way.
“Steven, WAIT!” Ryan ran up to Steven and grabbed him by the arm. “You can’t run away now.”
“The hell I can’t!” Steven fumed. “All I want is for you to put me back together so I can get back in the pulpit. If you can’t do that, then I’m on the next flight back to Spring Arbor. You hear me?“
“I hear the sound of someone who needs God to touch them. I hear the sound of a broken man who needs healing and is determined that he alone knows how to solve the problem. You know as well as I do that the answer to your life is not in trying to put the pieces back together. It’s resting in God. It’s discovering that place in Your life that God hasn’t been allowed to go into and open the door.”
Ryan continued. “Seems to me that you serve God the way you served your dad. Obligation. Duty. Blind service. I don’t see any joy in you. If you had pleasure in your work for God, why’d you have to turn to porn? God is supposed to be the center of your joy? Do you even like being a Christian? Do you LIKE being a pastor?”
Steven remembered the discussion he had had with Dr. W the day they met. Dr. W had said that many will do their jobs and hate them. Somehow, Steven had become one of them. When did THAT happen?
“No. I hate it. The pressure. Having to be perfect all the time. It’s hell, Ryan.”
“And you turned to porn as a pressure valve so you could deal with the daily grind. I get it, man. Each man here used their addiction as an escape. But listen - if you’re really going to be free, you have to face your fears head on. You’re going to have to stare down the enemy with God’s power and say, ‘This far and no farther’.
“I have no idea how to draw on that power. I preach about it all the time. I’m so empty. I just feel like a hole, a big black hole!“
Ryan put his arm around Steven. “Would you like me to pray for you?”
Steven thought it would look stupid, a pastor praying to have Jesus come in for the first time, but as he looked at Ryan, he knew this was the place to start. “I’m not sure what to say to him. I need Him and I‘ve been so wrong for so many years!” Steven started to cry again.
“Don’t worry, Steven. I’ll start and if you want to add anything, you can. No pressure.”
Ryan knelt down on the dirt pathway and invited Steven to do the same. Ryan held Steven’s hands and spoke just loud enough so that only the two of them could hear.
“Jesus, I thank you for Steven...for Pastor Steven. Lord, I bring Him before you now. He knows he’s made a mess of the life you’ve given to him. But I can tell he wants to get things right. He is just so messed up right now that he doesn’t know where to begin. Lord, You are a God of order, not disorder. You want us all to be submitted to You. Your word says to seek You first and Your righteousness and You’ll add all things to our lives. God, Steven allowed a lot of unrighteousness in. We slam the door on it. We break agreement with all the enemy has spoken to him over the years. All of it is a lie and we reject it all away. Jesus, You are truth. Fill Steven’s life with only Your truth.
Steven several times had to stop holding his counselor’s hands to wipe away tears. His face was read and swollen from the outpouring of emotion. Ryan had stopped praying for a moment. Then he looked up at Steven.
“Steven, I don’t know what you believe about prophecy or words of knowledge, but I just believe God wants to speak to you. Has God ever given you a special word? For yourself? For another?“
“I’ve never heard a voice. He can speak through the Bible, but he doesn’t talk directly to me. He doesn’t do that anymore.“
“That’s another lie of the enemy. Sure, He does. I just don’t think you’ve ever stopped to listen. Go ahead, be still and listen to hear if He gives you counsel tonight.“ Steven felt a little awkward, but in the short time he’d known Ryan, he trusted him. Steven had so many things swirling around in his head, it was difficult to stop and clear his mind. It must’ve taken close to ten minutes. Suddenly, Steven’s face brightened. The tears came again; but this time they were tears of joy, not shame. A look of amazement came over Steven’s face as he began to share. “He says He’s proud of me for coming here. He’s wants me to be healed. He says...” Steven paused to catch his breath. Ryan started to cry under the weight of the words Steven was revealing. “God says I’m going to soar on eagles wings. He’s going to lift me up to a higher place. I’m going to soar! And...wow! Oh, wow! He said He loves me! He loves me!”
“Don’t sound so surprised, Steven. Of course, Jesus loves you!”
“Yeah, but I’ve never heard Him say it TO ME! He loves ME!!!” Steven was free. He could feel the freedom in his heart. Ryan could see the chains being broken over Steven. Only God could do something like this. It was awesome.
“Can we sing a song?” Steven asked Ryan.
“Sure. Which one?”
Steven began -
Jesus love me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong
They are weak, but He is strong.
Ryan joined Steven on the chorus -
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
Yes, Jesus loves me
The Bible tells me so.
The two men remained kneeling on the ground in the cold for almost an hour, rejoicing that Steven had broken apart. Ryan was now excited for the new life that would emerge.
“Merry Christmas, Heather.” Steven’s voice was warm and kind.
“Oh, Steven! I didn’t expect you to call until much later.”
“Well, I got done with my chores early and I wanted to watch some of the football game, so I thought I’d get you now. How’s Bree?”
“She’s good. She wanted to get away for a few days. You remember Ashley, from down the street? Her parents were going to the mountains for the week, and she asked if she could go. It’ll be good for her. She hasn’t seen Ashley since we...since we left.”
“Yeah. It’s hard to believe it’s been six weeks already. I feel like I just got here.” Things have been happening so fast!”
“Steven, I want you to know how proud I am of all you’re doing. I know it’s got to be scary to deal with everything.”
“You tell me that every time we talk. I know you are, sweetheart. You don‘t have to repeat it all the time.”
“Yes, I do. Because it’s the truth. Remember you told me you always want the truth reinforced over and over? There it is.”
“I suppose. Hey, they’re talking about a family day, where you and Bree could come up to see what’s happening here. Doesn’t that sound great?”
“Yeah...great.”
“Heather, what is it?”
“I don’t know...I’m just not sure Bree would want to come.”
“Really? When I’ve talked to her on the phone, she always says she can’t wait to see me come home, and I...”
“It’s just not a good time, Steven.”
“I guess. I just don’t understand how...”
“Steven, just leave it alone, OK? The time’s just not good.”
“All right, I’ll back off.”
“I’m scared, Steven.”
“What are you scared of?”
“You. I mean, I just don’t know what to do with you. I’m not leaving you. I promised you and Bree. This will not destroy our family. But I’m feeling so many different things - I love you, but I hate you for what you’ve done, but you feel like a stranger to me because you’re becoming this man out there that I don’t even know. When you come back and God has changed you and you‘re this different man you say you are, will I even LIKE you?”
“Well, Heather, I like myself. I never have been able to say that before. I haven’t masturbated since I got here. I don’t need to. I used it to make myself feel better. Now if I’m a little down or angry, I pray. I talk to the guys around here. I write you letters. Do you like the guy who’s been writing you letters?”
“Oh, yeah. But how do I know you’ll be like that while you’re in the program and when you get back here you’ll fall into the same old traps?”
“Heather, you’ve just got to have faith in me. Listen, I’m not going to give you a line and say I’ll never slip up and fall. But...I don’t know how to say it. It’s not something I can just talk about. I’ll just have to come home and live it in front of you and Bree and prove myself to you. I want to do that.”
“I do, too. We need you home. Have you given any more thought about what you’re going to do?”
“Well, like I told you before, I’m not pastoring again. No one in Spring Arbor could respect me. I’ve broken too much trust. I just don’t think that’s what He wants for me.”
“Well, when you get the revelation, can I be the first to know?”
“You’ve got it. Hey, my time’s almost up. Can I pray with you?”
“Yeah, Steven. You know, I love it that you pray with me. You pray with such authority now. I know God hears you.”
“He does. Especially now that I believe He really hears me. Let’s pray. Well, Father, we thank you for Christmas Day. We thank You for Your Son, Jesus, who came to us on this day. We know, God, it was no easy thing. But He came to seek and to save that which was lost. Both of us are eternally grateful to You, Lord, for setting us free, setting our feet on the Rock, and giving us a hope and a future. Just two months ago, everything seemed lost and finished. But now You have lit the way and we are Yours alone. Bless my wife, Jesus. Give her peace and joy, even while I’m gone. And bless her for her commitment to me, even though I don’t deserve it. Keep her strong with Breeanna, God. I know she’s a handful at 14. Help my little girl to be full of security, that Daddy’s coming home soon, coming home a new man.”
“Lord, I thank you for Steven. I’m so proud of all that he’s becoming. Thank you for all we’ve been through. You know, God, I’ve cried so much I can hardly cry anymore. But I know there was a lot to break through, and You allowed us to go through it to make us better people and to draw us closer to You. Bring my husband home, Jesus, as quick as You can. I miss him.”
“Heather, sweetheart, I miss you too. Soon enough. They say if I keep on the course I’m on, I should be back by Easter. That’s only the first week of April. Not bad.”
“Maybe by then, I’ll be ready for you.”
“Well, I sure hope so. I‘ll call you next week. Will you still be in Shortville?”
“Um, yeah. I think so. We’re going to go back to Spring Arbor for a little while. you know, get some things, talk to some people. It’s easier now that things have cooled down.”
“Ryan says I should go back when I’m done here and speak to the congregation.”
“Really? Won’t that be hard?”
“For crying out loud, I’d never make it through if I had to do it today. But hopefully, by April, I’d be able to face those folks and talk freely about where I was and where I am now. I really hurt them, Heather. I can‘t believe how much I hurt them.”
“You’ve been forgiven, though. You should’ve seen the article they wrote about you this week.”
“You mean, I’m still news there? They don’t have anything better to talk about?”
“Well, you’re not front page news. You’re in the Editorial section.”
“Editorials? Why?”
“Here, let me read it to you. Where is it? Oh, yeah, right here - ‘And at this time of year, we hold to virtues that we sometimes ignore through the year, like forgiveness. Many are still reeling from Rev. Hassmann’s bombshell announcement last month. The bitterness that flowed through Spring Arbor was deeper than ever before. But Mayor Walker’s words at the Christmas tree lighting last week ring true for everyone. We are a community that holds to high standards. But when we see that one of our own has fallen short of those standards, we should use the same discretion our Lord used during his life when he said, ’Let He who is without sin cast the first stone.’ No one knows humility more than our Savior. Born in a stable to a young girl. His life was misunderstood all the way to the cross. He stood trial and was found guilty of no crime, yet was led away wrongly. We would do well to remember that those nail scars on the man who was born in the manger really belong to us. He forgives freely, we should as well’.”
“Wow! Mayor Walker said all that? He got SAVED didn’t he?”
“He didn’t write to you? He said he was going to! I thought you knew!”
“No! I had no idea!”
“Well, you’re confession started a real avalanche here. Yeah, the first couple of days everyone was out to get you. They’d argue, fight, quarrel. Then, one by one, people started to admit that they were not exactly honest, either. It was a time of purging. Including Mayor Walker. He just came to the conclusion that he’d been a politician, not a servant of the people. Then he said he read your booklet on becoming a Christian. He’d had it in his desk for years, but never read it. Something inside him moved him to read it. He did and he accepted the Lord. The town hasn’t been the same since.”
“I’m...I’m...uh..I don’t know what to say!”
“How about Romans 8:28. He’s going to make all things work together for the good. In other people. In you. In us. I still struggle with all the details. But this is God‘s plan. It‘s so clear.”
“Listen, Heather, I hate to let you go, but I’ve got three guys waiting to use the phone and I’m way over my time. Have Mayor give me a call. I need to talk to him.”
“I will. And I’ll have Bree call next time. She does want to talk to you.”
“Absolutely. Heather?”
“Yes, Steven?”
“Merry Christmas. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

The winter in Montana seemed to get colder and colder. Ice formed everywhere; snow blew across the camp like fresh sheets being thrown over a bed. Sitting in the dining hall, you could hear the wind howl off the mountains, through the valley and between the buildings. The main lodge took the load of the wind rather easily. The bunk house was not so kind. Lying in bed at night was tough on all the guys. The two story building was sure warm enough, but it was little comfort when the gusts would make the room sway and the windows shake. A couple of nights got so bad that the men grabbed their blankets and all slept on the floor in the entranceway. They did for a couple of nights before one of the guys deduced that if they stayed on the first floor, and the building DID collapse from the weather, they’d all be sitting ducks. Steven was among them. Somehow after that first night with Ryan, he had seen things with a different eye. He didn’t mind doing a little extra work, picking up for other guys who got sick or were tired. In fact, when the wind kicked up one night in particular, Steven grabbed the tools and reinforced some of the upstairs windows that were coming apart.

Half-way point of NaNoWriMo!

Hey, everyone! Well, I'm actually a day past the half-way point, and I wanted to write a little editorial and share an update with you. Currently, I'm at 26,197 words, well on my way to making it to 50,000 by the end of the month. I'm pleased with where the story is going so far. If you have checked it out, it's clear that it needs refining. I've found some story line that I've started (the Bonnie and Bryan thing for instance) either need to be fleshed out a little, or dropped. Subsequent drafts will figure that out for me, I suppose.

I've made an editorial decison here, with the help of my friend Steve Hayford. I'm going to remove the past entries from this site. I really didn't think about this as I was writing it - but I'm posting this stuff up on the web for anyone to possibly look at. As I've been diving more into Steven's character, I'm noticing his life is getting more and more perverted. I've been concerned that it's too graphic for my audience. How about throwing it all up on the web where anyone, without a filter, can read it? No good. So, if you're interested in reading the back story, you can e-mail me at darren.barkman@gmail.com and I'll send it to you, so you can read it privately.

As far as going forward, here's the next installment. From here, Steven's life should be looking up -

“Heather, it’s Steve. Are you there?“ Steven inquired after the beep began recording a message. “Honey, I want to talk to you. Heather, I don’t know what’s...“
The answering machine shut off, but the phone didn’t hang up. Heather picked up the phone. She was silent for a moment on the other end. Then Steven could hear Heather breathing heavy, trying to control the tears.
“I’m here, Steven.“
“Good. Listen Heather, I don’t know what you saw or heard, but you’ve got to give me a chance to explain! I love you!“
“BULLSHIT!“ Heather screamed into the phone. Steven had never heard her swear before. It was startling. “You don’t love me. How do you sleep with other women if you love me?“
“Where did you get the idea that I slept with someone else?“ Steven tried to whisper into the phone, not wanting Dr. Singleton and Dr. Wiloughby to hear this part of the conversation. It was a futile attempt.
“Don’t play mindgames with me! April 14? Dayton? LOTSLUV? The tramp sent me a picture. She’s in your book!”
Steven’s anger rose. “Did you go into my office and use my computer? I told you that room is off limits to you and Breeanna! You have no right being in there!”
“I have a right to know when my husband’s having sex with another woman! Are there any others? How about today? Where were you today? Who were you with?”
Steven was feeling more and more like a cornered animal. He could feel the blood pressure rising. “Look, I’m not going to do this over the phone. I’ll come home tomorrow and I’ll straighten the whole thing out. Trust me.”
“Trust?” Heather yelled. “I’m going to trust you? You told me when I found you with those magazines that you were throwing them out and not going to act out sexually anymore. You said it was a phase and you were done. That’s was a load of crap, wasn’t it? Wasn’t it?”
Steven couldn’t answer. He couldn’t refute the truth. Heather’s strength was growing. She was not crying anymore.
“There are thousands of pictures on the hard drive in your office. You still have a stack of magazines in your desk drawer. And now I find you’re actually having sex when you’re out of town. You’ve been lying to me the whole time. Our marriage is one big lie.”
Steven still couldn’t answer her. But his silence was answer enough.
“Bree and I are leaving. We’re going to Ruth Ann’s in Shortville.”
“For good?” Steven asked quietly.
“I really don’t know. I never thought I would consider divorce until tonight. When I’ve talked to girls who talk about it, I always said, ’Divorce is never an option.’. But I guess that changes when it hits you this close.”
“I do love you, Heather. I always have.”
Heather started to cry again. “Stop saying that. You can’t love me and hurt me like this.”
“Heather, please, I...”
“I’ve got to go, Steven. Goodbye.”
Steven closed his phone and stared at the wall in disbelief. He was in shock. Steven tried to cover his tracks as he turned around to face the doctors again.
“My wife. She’s under a lot of stress.”
Dr. Singleton got right in Steven’s face. “She’s on to you, son. We’re on to you. You are out of control! You need help! A lot of help!“
“I’m telling you - I’m not an addict! What’s the big deal? I like to look at women. What man doesn’t?”
“This is not healthy,” Dr. Wiloughby said, shaking the pictures of the Rubber Goddess at Steven. “This is perversion! For any man, it’s sick and twisted; much less for a man of supposed godly character! If you don’t get control of it, it’s going to destroy you. It’s starting to destroy you now!”
Steven turned away from Dr. Wiloughby, staring into the corner.
“Marcus,” Dr. Singleton asked Dr. Wiloughby. “What’s the name of that residential place in Montana for sexual addicts?“
“The ranch? I think it’s called Liberty Hill. Do you want me to call?“
“Yes, I’d like to make a reservation for Steven.” Dr. Singleton summarized. “We can get him on the first flight out tomorrow morning. I’ll pull some favors and get him admitted.
“Steven, I already talked to my lawyer. If we inform the police that you’re going to the treatment program, they’ll take your statement and release you; you won‘t face the public lewdness charges. You’d be released to us to transfer you to the program. Meanwhile, Marcus, we can hold the press conference in the morning and try to explain what‘s going on...”
“Would you like to let me have a say in all this?” Steven interjected. “You can’t just ship me off to some no man’s land! It‘s my life! I‘ll do what I want and I‘ll fix this my way!”
Dr. Singleton interrupted. “YOUR WAY? All right, Mr. Hassmann. You don’t want us to help you? Fine. If you want to face the cruel world by yourself,” Dr. Singleton stepped away from the door and gestured Steven toward it, “be my guest. Leave now. You’re free to go about it alone and face the consequences of your actions. But consider this: being on your own got you into this position. Living in isolation has made you into this...creature. As one of your spiritual authorities, I’m stepping in. You need this rebuke, Steven. It’s for your good.
“Look at the facts, Steven: your wife is leaving you; no doubt your daughter is emotionally damaged; you’ve ripped your ministry apart; when your congregation finds out what’s going on, they’ll all be wounded; no doubt all who supported you for leadership in the NEU will feel deceived. I don’t even know who you really are, son. Who is the real Steven Hassmann? The strong man of righteousness the world has admired for so many years; or the pervert who was jerking off in a sex shop today? You‘re destroying everything you have and everyone around you and all you want to do is fill your life with more sex! You‘re an addict, Steven! A depraved addict!”
Steven began to cry. “I can’t stop, all right? You want me to say it? I’m saying it! OK, I’m a pervert! I’m disgusting! But I love it! I love looking at girls on the internet! I love the rush I get when I see them. It makes me feel so good! And at that place today, when I was watching that girl bend her body, she looked at me and told me she wished she could do that while we were having sex. I need that! I feel so alive! So FREE!”
“But it’s sin, Steven! Don’t you see you’re being controlled by your lust? You‘re not free! It‘s bondage!” Dr. Wiloughby cried.
“I need it. I don’t know how to go without it.”
“Steven, you’ve got to figure something out. For the ake of your marriage and your ministry, if you hope to salvage anything of your future, you’ve got to come clean and get some help.”
“I know...I know...” He sat down in one of the chairs and buried his face in his hands. The crying turned to deep groaning and relieving of the weight Steven had been carrying for so many years. All the way back to that first battle of shame in the car with his first magazine. Steven had never let this emotion out. There was a lot to face. Both of Steven’s mentors put their hands on his shoulders as Steven broke down. “I hate myself! Oh, it hurts! IT HURTS!!!” Steven screamed in what seemed like physical pain.
Dr. Singleton began to pray silently as Steven broke down.
Steven continued to cry uncontrollably. His mind was racing as the pain began to surface. He knew this day had to come. It was nearly thirty years in the making. A judgment day. All of the pain and sin he stuffed down in his heart seemed to fly out all at once. And it was hurting Steven to have it rise up. He had been in counseling sessions with people who had cried in grief like this. He always seemed at a loss as to what to do. Should he pray? Talk? Sing? Leave them alone? Now that he was the one crying on the floor, he doubly didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to hear spiritual platitudes; he’d said enough of them in his life. He realized that a simple verse or a nice phrase wasn’t going to heal him. This was new for Steven. The typical religious response that supposedly made him look wise and the needy person feel better was exposed. Deep in his heart, he knew he needed a better way. But he had no idea how to find it. Steven just continued to weep.
A knock came at the door. Dr. Wiloughby left Steven’s side and opened the door just a crack. It was Nancy, his assistant.
“What’s going on, Doctor? The media knows something’s up. Where Rev. Hassmann? Who’s that crying in there?”
“Nancy, tell them all to go home. We’ll speak in the morning.” Dr. Wiloughby took a sneak peek back in the room to see Steven laying on the floor, facedown, continuing to pour out all of the hurt and sorrow from a life of hidden sin.
“All is well, dear. All is well.”