A couple of weeks ago, my wife Tricia and I did our usual Wednesday night thing - attending the mid-week service at Calvary Tabernacle Assembly of God church in Schenectady. It’s a great place to worship. The music is passionate, the people are warm and friendly, the kids’ programs are fun and devoted to the Truth. This night, however, was just a little different. The youth pastors, Nathan and Pam Mandsager, spoke about issues that are really hot buttons for me and my wife right now - modesty and sexuality. Pam did an excellent job detailing how modesty is not just an issue of how you dress, but it’s more a condition of the heart - how you think, act, and carry yourself. Nathan spoke well of how sexual issues - pornography and masturbation - are destroying men (and some women) in the church. I think most in the audience that night were a little taken aback by the “in your face” approach and frank language. My wife and I were doing somersaults in our seats. It’s about time, we said after.
As I wrote in a tease here a while back, I am well acquainted with areas of sexual addiction. How you may ask? Because for years I have had a problem with lust and sexual fantasy. Now I was not into straight pornography, though I have seen it. In our culture today, who hasn’t? My downfall was girls in tight outfits and contortionists. Why those? I’m not really sure. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been struggling with these feelings. For the longest time, I wouldn’t consider them “problems”. But when my eyes would lock on to something/someone on TV or especially on the internet, it would send me into a tailspin of sexual excitement. I would masturbate to pictures or to my memories of those pictures. So many nights I would wander around the internet looking for new and exciting pictures to reinforce my habit. Sex with my wife was never enough. I was constantly looking for more.
Let’s talk about my wife for a second. She knew about it. She would find the pictures on the computer and ask me about it. Oh I’ve got it under control, I said. I can stop anytime. Yeah, right. I even said one time I’m doing “research” for our intimate times. I know she didn’t buy it, but so what? I felt like I needed to walk the line between reality and fantasy and I would do anything to keep my habit intact.
It came to a head at the end of September last year. Tricia finally called me on it for good. Things were going to have to change in me or things were going to change with us, as in my wife would leave. To be honest, I wasn’t really enjoying my addiction anyway. But any guy will tell you that these types of addictions are akin to slavery. You can’t get free, no matter how hard you try.
That’s where God come in.
Tricia gave me the name of a guy, Paul Denham, who is a part of Good Fight of Faith, a group here in Albany, New York for those in sexual addiction. I called him and spilled about my problems. He told me his testimony of how porn and an affair nearly destroyed his marriage. I could completely identify with the isolationism that comes about with these issues. We hide. We don’t want anyone to know how screwed up we are. Paul invited me to their weekly meeting. I jumped at the chance to go. Tricia was proud of me. I knew my way out was starting.
At Good Fight of Faith, I sat through the first meeting in amazement. Every guy who shared sounded just like me - the hiding of addictions from a wife or girlfriend, the anger issues, the fatherlessness. Why had I hid in the bushes for so long? They’re all just like me! I began to share about my struggles. I found an avenue for freedom. If any guys from the group are reading this now, let me thank you for such a great example. Brothers, you’re all heroes to me.
Now, I haven’t had a metamorphosis from sexual problems. Not completely, anyway. I have not wandered the internet to feed my lust in months. I have been tempted to do so, but the combination of my attachment to GFF, plus my encounter with Jesus in Colorado, has given me the strength to know I am in control. Satan does not control my eyes. I have the power and authority to shut that down. However, just like in physical combat, if your enemy realizes a strategy isn’t working, they come up with something else. For me, it was a lust-filled relationship with a girl in my church. I’ll call her Julie. By Jesus’ standards in Matthew 5, Julie and I had affair. I would think about her in a way reserved only for my wife. I would have deep conversations about spiritual and personal things. My heart jumped if she sent me an e-mail or she complimented me about something. I wondered what sex would be like with her. Like Frankie Valli, though I never laid a hand on her, my eyes adored her. I thought I was completely free. Obviously, I was very wrong. By around Christmas time, I had to come clean to Tricia. With my relationships at GFF, and the honesty I was trying to cultivate with the guys and my wife, there was no way I could hide it. Tricia was hurt deeply. She cried for days. During one period when Tricia was venting her frustration, God spoke to my heart - “Sit there and take it. Be quiet, you did this to her.” And I did. If you want to look at it from the Apostle Paul’s angle, my flesh did it and I allowed my sinfulness to rule over the Spirit of God who also lives in me. In Romans 7, Paul talks about the evil he doesn’t want to do, he does. And the good he wants to do, he doesn’t do. That’s the sin battle. We can choose blessings or the curses. I chose to allow the sin to entangle.
I dropped off worship team for a few months to devote myself to my family and to my wife. Through Christmas and work, I really had neglected them. I broke all soul ties with Julie. Though she’s still around, and I still talk to her, I don’t feel that flaming lust for her. The Spirit of God in me put out the fire. Now, I just feel sorry for her. That’s leads me to the other issue - modesty.
See, Julie is around the teenage girls in my church. She’s a leader. In title, she may be. But you’d never know it by the example she sets, particularly in the way she dresses. Recently, she wore a t-shirt on a Sunday morning that was so low-cut that you could see below the tan line in her cleavage. Skirts that are too short, shirts that are too tight or too low. It’s a consistent thing. My wife saw the aformentioned t-shirt and gasped, “Oh my God!” I don’t say this now to get you or me all excited sexually. Praise the Lord, I have crossed over in my battle and I am aware of the devil’s schemes. I am accountable to Tricia and to the GFF guys for my eyes and my mind. But why do Julie and other girls/women in our church insist on dressing this way? Why do the dads/husbands not stop them? Why haven’t any church leaders spoken up?
I think my wife is going to pick a fight about it this week, though. And I’m proud of her. She’s not just fighting for me. She’s fighting for all guys in our church. I wonder how many guys look at her on a Sunday morning, then go home and masturbate to her in their mind Sunday afternoon. To quote Third Day, “It’s a shame. And I wonder if it’s ever going to change.”
What about you, my friend? Any of this ringing bells with you? Are you living a secret life no one knows about? Are you controlled by sin that you can’t break free from? I’ve been talking mostly about sexual addiction, but you can insert lots of other things - drugs, alcohol, food, etc. I’m not just talking to those who don’t have a personal relationship with Jesus. See, the church is full of closet addicts. Do you think the shame of addiction is great in the world-at-large? Try it in the church, where you’re supposed to be perfect, holy and totally righteous in all you say, do and think. Keeping up appearances is the motto of most churches. Admitting you have a deep problem is like being a leper. Ostracized. Oh, we segregate our wounded in 2005. We don’t want to go deep with anyone to help them. That’s the pastor’s job, the counselor’s job, anybody else‘s job. Meanwhile, the struggling continues, with no one coming clean for fear they will be treated the exact same way. And they would be. Because we shoot our wounded.
But don’t let that stop you from coming clean. The freedom you can feel when the light is shone on sin is amazing. It’s like the 800 pound gorilla climbs off your back. Your heart is lighter. Your soul is purified. For the first time you will talk to people and not feel shame or guilt, because you can be the true self that God made. Joy Williams has a song where she sings, “You don’t have to hide anymore.” Exactly. Come out, come out wherever you are. Jesus longs for you to be free from your pain and struggles. Isaiah 61 sets the real reason Jesus came - “To heal the broken hearted and to set the captives free”. His deepest desire is for that to be real in you right now! It can be. Pray this with me...
Father, thank you for Your truth. That you truly desire to set me free. I so long to be free. I admit I cannot set myself free. I have tried and failed. You alone are life and freedom for my heart. Thank you for sending your Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, as the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Thank you that in Him, I can have an abundant life here and now.
Father, I confess to you my sin of (name what has held you in bondage. Be specific!) to You. I know you did not design me to be bound by these things. It has taken energy that was meant for worship of You, study of Your Word, and work in Your service. It has divided my mind and my heart. I know I cannot serve two masters. I confess the sin and, according to 1John 1:9, I know that as I confess my sin, you will forgive me and cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Help me to walk and live in that forgiveness. Help me to reconcile with those I’ve hurt because of my sin. Help me to understand the authority I have in You to overcome all the power of the enemy. Grant me the grace to live in that authority with an even greater abandon than when I lived in my sin. Thank you that I am free. Here and now. The blood of Jesus washes me from all sin. I am truly free in You.
If you prayed that, I’d love to hear about it. Either leave a comment here or, if you’d like to be more discrete, you can e-mail me at absolutelydarren@hotmail.com. I’d also love to assist you in getting some help - seeking out a counselor or a church that can give you the love and support you need. Freedom is not as far away as you think. It can be yours. But you have to fight for it. And you don’t have to fight alone.
Walk with God. Talk to you soon.
We’ll start talking about Father’s Day next time around.
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