I don't have a talk show, but...

I am not the world's most political guy. I know what I believe and I know liberals are morons! Seriously, I don't want this blog to become another "right-wing" outpost. There are enough of those and the writers on those sites are going to exceed even my loftiest dreams. That having been said, I do have some thoughts about some news items that I want to get off my chest. This is not an article that I necessarily want feedback on. If you want to discuss stuff, let's talk about how your heart is and where Jesus fits into the equation. But for the record, let me say...

1. I don't care what Democrats say, I want a private savings account with my social security money in it. I'm tired of working my fingers to the bone so that my percentage can be sent to Grandma and Grandpa playing golf in Florida. Sorry you didn't save enough when you were working. I'm through paying your entitlement. I don't want a portion of mine in a private account - I want the whole enchilada in there. It's mine, I earned it, I ought to keep it. Period. Did you know government employees (including some of the very idiots who are saying you can't control your own money) are allowed to deflect a portion of their pay into a retirement plan that looks amazingly similar to the one President Bush has proposed? Why won't they let you do the same? Because you are stupid. And your money belongs to THEM, not you.

2. Teachers in the Albany (NY) City school district were encouraged by the school board to call parents to update them on their children's performance. Problem is, the Teacher's Union said the teachers won't do it. It's not in their contract. One Social Studies teacher on TV said, "I have 125 students. I can't make all those calls. I do have a life, you know.". Yep. And you'll have one filled with unemployment if you don't grab a phone and start talking.

2a. This is why my girls will never go to public school. And, even though it seems a dead issue now, I'm still hugely in favor of schol vouchers so I can take the small fortune I give the school district every year and buy my girls state of the art homeschool supplies so they'll finish ahead of the public school brain-washing throng and take over the world. I can hope, I guess...

3. A guy on the radio yesterday started talking about a 16 year old girl who wanted an abortion. When the parents couldn't find the child, they asked school officials. They said a counselor had escorted her to a Planned Parenthood office. When the parents tried to go in and get their daughter, who is a minor, they nearly arrested them. Now, I searched the interent for the story but couldn't find it. So I don't know if it's real or an urban legend. But think - you read it and automatically thought it was true, didn't you? How sad is our country when we think a horrible thing like that actually could happen? Truth is, it probably has and you didn't even know about it.

4. The Yankees are 9-14. It's not so much that the Yankees are old (they are) bloated (they are) and don't care about anything but the paycheck (they don't), but I think the rest of the league has caught up to them. Boston beat them last year. The Orioles and Blue Jays are much improved. The Angels just beat them 2 out of 3. Texas beat them up, too. These teams are building young teams with talent. Talent that's not intimidated by the Pinstripes. It's too early to say if the Yankees are done. But the last three years, they seem to wind down after August. This year, they've wound down before they could wind up. It could be the end of the line. How sweet would it be if the Yankees didn't even make the playoffs?

5. Who do you think will win "American Idol"? Right now, I'd bet on Bo with Vonzell second. I'm glad Constantine got kicked off. Paula sobs when he loses. It's so shocking! No it's not. Sing better, loser! He never could sing. There are people sitting at home who didn't even make it past the first audition who can sing better than that. I'm not even sure how he got to where he was. Yeesh, that's bad stuff!

6. They took Glenn Beck off WGY and replaced him with a poser punk rocker who screams at me. Great. Any wonder why I've been listening more to WROW lately?

7. If any of you know about a house in the country (preferably Schoharie County), please let us know. I'm tired of paying all my taxes to the Communist Socialist Republic of Schenectady. I'm broke and what do I have to show for it? Dirty streets, garbage pick-up I have to pay for, a stuttering fool for a mayor whose idea of getting things done is renting a bus and driving to Albany to get a couple of dollars. And this Della Ratta city councilman who beats up a kid and won't resign his office? And the mayor won't remove him from office. Christians can't get hired because of their faith, but if you want to kick the crap out of some guy, that makes you a character leader. I'm so proud of my hometown. Yippee.

Seven is plenty for tonight, I think. See you in May!

Something's Coming...

"Could Be? Who knows? Could it be? Something's coming! Something good! Maybe tonight!"

----Tony, "Something's Coming", West Side Story

Well, as you can see from my journal entries, lots of great things happened at the Boot Camp. the Ransomed Heart website is linked to the right of this page. Check it out and if God so leads, you should sign up for the lottery to go to the camp. People I've talked to about it say, "Oh, but it costs so much money!" Granted, I got most of the costs paid for by my boss. But what's a little money when your heart's at stake? Isn't there a parable about a man who found a treasure in a great field? He sold all he had to buy the field. I know Jesus is teaching about our committment to him; but the same theory holds true for things like the Boot Camp.

Tricia and I have had a rule about our spiritual growth: If God is leading you to buy something or do something, and you test it and it really is the Lord, there's a blank check in the book for it. Now, normally, that really just refers to a book or a video. God provides all the money; we need to give to the kingdom, but we also need to build the kingdom within our hearts. You just can't put a price tag on that.

Let me get to the purpose of this entry. It's getting late and I was going to bed early, too. Oh, well...

On the heels of the Boot Camp, there have been a lot of things happening in me. I've been praying. A lot. Now, if you know me, praying is not my strongest suit. I'm not sure if something new has come alive in me or I just realize how desperately I need to commit to prayer. It's been interesting, because the very things I pray about start exploding after I pray for them. Many times, exploding in BAD ways! When you pray for strongholds to be released, and they rage back at you after you pray, you're on to something! Keep pressing in! Like Rich Mullins sang, "You're on the verge of a miracle". I start with the Daily Prayer from Ransomed Heart. I'm sure you can find it on the web site. I'm usually not into reading prayers. But there is something very good about speaking the truth and having you heart testify to what's coming out of your mouth. The daily prayer is full of scripture and truth. I'd copy it here, but it's really long. Tell you what - I'll post it as a separate entry soon! When I finish it, I automatically start praying for my own needs. It's like I get a jump start to my own individual praying.

Danny said today he sees a gift of discernment growing up in me. I didn't know what to say. What can you say? God is pouring out new gifts and growing me in new ways. That's kind of on the same lines as what else I think God has been showing me. I think I'm supposed to go back to school and get my Master's in Counseling. I've looked up a couple of distance programs - Regent and Liberty - and I'm trying to really get the heart of God on it. I'm not thinking anytime soon. Maybe even fall '06. We want to get rid of the rest of our debt first. Other things (which I don't have time to write about now) need to get in line, too. Think about it...this guy who has hated talking to people is going to be a counselor? Maybe. But that's God for you.

What else is happening? I'm more at peace. Last week there was a day in Albany which otherwise would have torn me apart. Didn't even phase me. Today in Albany? Different matter. I did let it get to me. Not as much as I might have. And I was good with the patients. That helped. But that's my point: I'm enjoying the one-on-one with the patients. I'm disliking the sales angle. Can't I just talk to them? How's the grandkids, Mrs. Johnson?

I guess selling them hearing aids is a prerequisite to actually helping them.

In a lot of ways, it's hard to describe. I just feel more mature. Like the Boot Camp was some sort of passage into Biblical adulthood. I'm ready for greater battles. Growing wearier of petty little things.

And what does a fear-free life look like? Hopefully, even more like what I'm seeing every day in me.

Well, that's enough from me. Time to shut the thinker down for a while. Enjoy! Till you read again -

Walk with God.

Boot Camp Journal, Part 4

April 9, 2005 - 2:16 MDT
Back in the Lounge


I said goodbye to fear today. I made an agreement with the spirit of fear more than 25 years ago, and there I stayed. With Harry yelling and screaming at me. Being in my room alone, afraid. Through not making friends. Through settling for less than in my life. Not sticking with music ministry. Not running for SA Senate. Not continuing to seek after His purpose after Jim told me to go get a job. I have been afraid. Of what specifically? I don’t know. But it doesn’t matter. Fear is always the first emotion I feel when confronted with anything new. Or challenging. “Will I have what it takes?” To be a friend. A husband. A hearing aid specialist. I’m going to blow it. I’m going to be an idiot. I’m going to have people laugh at me. No one will want to be my friend if they REALLY knew...

So, I create the poser. A happy go lucky guy without a care in the world. No one can identify with him either. But he seems like such a likeable guy. I’m sure he’s got a circle that love him totally. Nope. Not the case at all. In fact, he’s the loneliest guy you’ll ever meet. He has no deep male friends his own age. Even his own wife doesn’t know the depths of his faking. He’s afraid of being the real deal. Because everyone will hate it.

But that fear has kept me from a lot of things. Fear of failure probably kept me from dating girls that I was really attracted to, not just girls I knew I could get. Fear of failure probably kept me from good jobs. No doubt it has kept me from plans and purposes straight from God. I didn’t live from my true heart and continue with music ministry. It’s just a pipe dream anyway. Shut up and get a job. Kill your heart. You weren’t using that anyway.

But fear would keep me from the next big plan from God in the journey. I love writing. Music. CREATIVITY! What’s the biggest hang-up for struggling artists? REJECTION!
An artist has to believe in what they are creating. Anything less will never make it anyway, because it’s not authentic. So I’m going to put my eggs in the writing basket, let the world feel the weight of my anointing and make them deal with it.

First, God brought me back to a verse He gave me a few months ago, but now really takes some weight. It’s Isaiah 41:10-17 -

Fear not (there is nothing to fear), for I am with you; do not
look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am the Lord
your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties; yes,
I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My
[victorious] right hand of rightness and justice. Behold all they
who are enraged and inflammed against you shall be put to shame
and confounded; they who strive against you shall be as nothing
and shall perish. You shall seek those who contend with you
but shall not find them; they who war against you shall be as
nothing, nothing at all. For I the Lord your God hold your right
hand; I am the Lord, Who says to you, Fear not; I will help you!
Fear not, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel! I will help you,
says the Lord; your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. (This next
part is the coolest part to me!) Behold, I will make you to be a new,
sharp, threshing instrument which has teeth;

you shall thresh the mountains and beat them small, and shall make
the hills like chaff.

You shall winnow them, and the wind shall carry them away, and the tempest or whirlwind shall scatter them. And you shall rejoice in the Lord, you shall glory in the Holy One of Israel.

A couple of thoughts...notice the Amplified’s addition of “There is nothing to fear”. God will strengthen, hold up by His right hand, and help in times of need. But it’s not just a touchy-feely thing. Or a theory. Verses 15 and 16 take care of that, making the believer into a new instrument with teeth. Tough, violent, strong, capable of doing the job. What is that job? It depends what God puts in the way. Whatever it is, it doesn’t stand a chance.

Then, as I was trying to get to Isaiah 41 to read that, God gave me another passage in Isaiah. Again, one that I had read; but now read with completely different eyes. It’s all of chapter 35 -

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall
rejoice and blossom like the rose and the autumn crocus. It shall blossom abundantly and rejoice even with joy and singing. The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the excellency of [Mount] Carmel and [the plain] of Sharon. They shall see the glory of the Lord, the majesty and splendor and excellency of the Lord. Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble and tottering knees. Say to those who are of a fearful and hasty heart, Be strong, fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance; with the recompense of God He will come and save you. Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. Then shall the lame man leap like a hart, and the tongue of the dumb shall sing for joy. For waters shall break forth in the wilderness and streams in the desert. And the burning sand and the mirage shall become a pool, and the thirsty ground springs of water; in the haunt of jackals, where they lay resting, shall be grass with reeds and rushes. And a highway shall be there, and a way; and it shall be called the Holy Way. the unclean shall not pass over it, but it shall be for the redeemed; the wayfaring men, yes, the simple ones and fools, shall not err in it and lose their way. No lion shall be there, nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it; they shall not be found there. But the redeemed shall walk on it. And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, and everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

I cried like a baby when I read verses 3 and 4. That’s exactly what I needed to hear God say. Fear not! I am coming! And with vengeance! I’m not bringing peace, but a sword! But the cool part about this chapter is what God promises after he does the saving. THEN, he will heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free. THEN the waters are going to break forth. THEN mirages will become pools (in other words, dreams become realities!). THEN a highway will be built for the people to come, find rest, and rejoice! THEN all the people will come and everlasting joy will be theirs.

All because one knucklehead dared to believe that God wanted him to live fear-free. The blessings and incredible things start happening once the freedom happens! All those THENS? That’s Act Four. The larger story I was born into. If I don’t bind fear at the end of Act Three through the authority Jesus gave to me, Act Four will never happen.

One more passage from Isaiah. Now that fear is gone, I need to take a firm stand to make sure it stays gone. This is Isaiah 26:13-14, the people declaring their allegiance to God -

O Lord our God, other masters besides You have ruled over us, but we will acknowledge and mention Your Name only. They [the former tyrant masters] are dead, they shall not live and reappear; they are powerless ghosts, they shall not rise and come back. Therefore, you have visited and made an end of them and caused every memory of them [every trace of their supremacy] to perish.

I love the idea that the spirits that have been tormenting me for years are now nothing more than powerless ghosts. They are dead and every last remembrance of them is cast away. They were really dead all along. But it’s just now that I am breaking my treaty with them and telling them to piss off. After that morning session, the Word just exploded to me. I read a whole chunk of Matthew 11 and 12 and it just came alive! It all relates to the bigger story God is growing in my heart!

In my first valiant fear-free move, I sat next to Steve and Ben and four guys I didn’t know. I told Steve some of my father wound stories. Three wounds for the price of one.
then I played pool (not my best skill) with Doug, a guy I didn’t know. Turns out he’s a gold course superintendent at Denver Country Club. He lives in Littleton, CO (where Columbine is). We talked golf, Columbine, kids. It was a neat conversation with a total stranger. Would I have done that before this morning? Maybe, but I don’t think I would have enjoyed it as much. It’s neat to step out and just be myself. I don’t really know who’s going to pop out!

Well, I’m into page nine of this journal. Whew! My fingers are killing me! But what a freeing weekend! I think I’m almost ready to confront the next chapter of the journey. I have to be...like it’s going to wait for me. Ready or not, here I come!

The question God posed to me as the lunch bell rang was “What does a life without fear look like?” I have no idea; but I’m not afraid of it! It’s my marching orders as I enter the
next leg of my journey.

Boot Camp Journal, Part 3

Editor's note: Sorry it's taken me nine days to get more published. I kept leaving the floppy disk at work. If you think this is bad, consider my pictures. I still haven't developed them yet. Yeesh!

Saturday, April 9 - 5:39AM MDT
Back at Ogalala Lounge
Still dark outside

I guess I’m not going to adjust to the time change. I’ve been up around 5 am both mornings so far. Asleep by 10pm. But that’s pretty close to my schedule back in New York.

Yesterday was a powerful day. After the first morning session (oh, did I mention the bacon egg and cheese biscuit sandwiches for breakfast? Outstanding!) I pretty much knew what I wrote yesterday morning - that I need to do the Father’s Day piece. Guys are counting on me (More on that later). So John teaches the first part of the morning from Epic, about our lives needing to fall into the bigger story. I bought the little book. And the bulk of what was in there was in Waking the Dead. So I definitely want to re-read that. I’ve always felt that. Asking over and over “What am I supposed to do?”. I’ve always felt my life was more than just floating through doing a few neat things. There is an adventure for me to be called up into. There’s a bigger picture.

Then, the afternoon break. Larry went repelling! I want pictures for my scrapbook. I sat in the spot I’m in right now the whole time. I wrote more of the Father’s Day piece. I was thinking I was going to re-write most of it. When I read back what I’d already written, I liked it. With a few minor changes. So I did. Pretty much got the first draft written. Then the 4 o’clock session about the father wound. Ouch! Here we go again. So many men crying in the room at the clips of “The Kid” and “Good Will Hunting”. Me included. You know, if they had flashed “Field of Dreams” up there, I probably would’ve passed out. They didn’t, though. But I realized that the drama I’m writing is touching that stuff, and I didn’t fully recognize it. Now I do. During the quiet session, I went back and added a little more emotion to it. I think it’s fine how it is. It is five pages long. I hope Pastor Jim will let me go for 10-15 minutes. Probably not. We’re in for a battle. I want Danny to read it, too. He’ll be the first proofreader. I highly value his opinion.

The last session was on the new name. I was so tired I had no energy left to explore it. So I just went to bed. So, here I am. 6am. I’m going to go down to the over look by the pool and just listen as the sun rises. God, who do You think I am? What words would you use?

Boot Camp Journal, Part 2

Friday, April 8
6:06 AM MDT
Frontier Ranch, Buena Vista, CO
Ogalala building main lounge

Well, I’ve got about 36 hours to recap. Fact is, everything’s been going so fast, I haven’t even had time to sit and write it all down, much less type it here. So, here goes (as best as I can remember it):

The flight to Minneapolis was pretty long. 3+ hours. Good meal at Chili’s in the airport. The flight to Colorado Springs was fun. Sat next to Danny, helped him (I think) with his studying. The flight attendant, Sherry, was a Christian. Neat southern girl from Kentucky. Goose Gossage was on the flight! Larry was all excited about that. He talked to him for a few seconds at the baggage claim. Still had the big mustache. Then, when we got to our hotel room, they showed highlights of Gossage on ESPN! Whoa! Deja vu!

Read Song of Solomon on the plane. What an awesome picture of God’s love for us. When the ruler talks about his beautiful maiden - that’s God singing love songs to US! We’re used to saying words of praise and adoration to God. But He says them back to us! He woos us. He beckons for us. He longs for us. Oh, that this weekend would be full of revelation of the Father’s love.

Now when we landed, it was nearly 10pm (or midnight our time). So everything was dark. When we woke up yesterday morning, bright blue skies and the ROCKIES!!!!! WOW!!!! We could see Pike’s Peak from our hotel parking lot. But that was just for starters. We played Patty Jewett Golf Course in Colorado Springs. The nine holes we played were built in 1898. More than 85,000 rounds were played there last year. I can see why. You see Pike’s Peak on every hole. I hope the picture Danny snapped of me on the seventh hole came out! Me in the tee box with the mountain behind me. I played pretty well, all things considered. I love playing in the higher elevation. Sixth hole. Par 3. 148 yards. Up the hill. Into the wind. NINE IRON! Pin high! Off the right side. I hit the ball straight, mostly. Almost drove the fifth green. Still made bogey. I made three pars but still shot 49. That’s not so great. The greens were very fast, and I was playing with a 50 cent putter. No feel at all. I really missed my sand wedge (especially in the trap on #8) and my putter. I need to get new ones for the new set. I had low score that day by two over Ben. Then I ate fish tacos at the restaurant. Not as good as Mamasita’s in Costa Maya, but good. Then, the real adventure began.

As we drove out route 24 toward Buena Vista, you drive into the Arkansas river valley. It seemed like every time we came around a pass, the view of the mountains got better and better! I hope the pictures with my little disposable came out. You have to look at them. I can’t describe the way they look at all and do them justice. Let’s just say my nose was glued to the window and my jaw was hanging open. Fittingly, Ben chose tunes from Hillsongs “Hope” as we were going through the pass. I’ll never hear “Need You Here”, “Hope” or “Still” again without falling to my knees in worship of the Creator. In reverence at the foot of Mt. Princeton, “I will be still and know you are God”.

We arrived at the Ranch (with Bob doing close to 100 MPH in some spots!) around 4:30 yesterday. What a great place! Nestled against the side of a tall cliff, sheltered from a lot of sun (which is good considering I never put sunscreen on at the golf course. My head is a freaking turnip!) The elevation is getting to me a little. Our cabin, Ogalala, is on the steep part of the hill. I’m winded just climbing up to it. Then, we’re on the third floor. Oh, man! I may not be doing much hiking this week. I’ll barf up a lung.

We talked to a guy from Murphysboro, TN at dinner. He said his group (5 or 7 guys, I’m not sure) have tried to get in for the last three years. The first two, none of them got in. The third year, this year, he’s the only one who got in! The six of us were downright amazed! How did we all make it on the first try? We don’t know; but we do know God is in this. He has a very specific plan for each of us this weekend. Danny felt Wednesday night that it was right that the six of us were all together. I think that confirms that.

Then, the first session. John showed three trailers - Baggar Vance, The Lord of the Rings (#1), and Saving Private Ryan. Then started laying out the ground work for the first night. I started to cry when John started talking. Not over what he said, necessarily. But just that I was actually here. And that God made a way. I took a few things out of last night. Number one is I need to fight more for my girls and my wife. I notice how when Tricia is confronted by a tough situation, I try to encourage her to stand up and deal with it. And maybe sometimes she has to. But I need to rescue my beauty. I need to step up and be a man. When I’m confronted by a tough situation in the exam room, I need to stand strong and be firm. No caving in if it’s not warranted. Tough with Dr. Vertucci. (Editor's note: Dr. Vertucci is a tough, anxiety filled patient I've been dealing with since January. Upon returning to work, I was firm with him regarding what he needed to do. He told me I was right, that he couldn't do it, and returned them.) Tough with any one who tries to take over. Let them feel the weight of my anointing and deal with it. And the last question of the night - “Why am I here?” What would I want Jesus to do for me?

Let’s regroup. Three years ago, I was working at Labor Ready, ready to just about kill myself. Miserable. No life. No joy. I was literally existing. Here I am now. Wild, unfettered and free. Well, more free. I still have a long way to go. Maybe that’s what I want God to show me this weekend. I’m on the right track, there’s no doubt. I’m getting it right. But I want a report card. Jesus, let’s go through every area where we’ve been working and do an assessment. Do I get A’s? C’s? Hopefully, no F’s! I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday. I like who I see. I’m really becoming comfortable with myself, now that the real me, the one God intended for, is coming to the surface. But how am I really doing? I’m at a checkpoint. Let’s take stock. Where am I going from here? How far is the next part of the journey? What will I need to lose? What will I need to gain? Where am I going? Am I venturing into new waters now? A year? Five years? Where is my writing in all this? Music? Hearing aids?

God, I lay myself bare before the One to whom I must give account. I thank you so much for Bob’s care for my spiritual man. That He saw fit not only to hire me, but to set me on the journey that I’ll be forever grateful to him for. Jesus, I know what you think of me. I read it in Song of Solomon Wednesday night. That’s the big picture. But what about these little battles? The process of the journey into my true heart. How am I doing? I want you to say you’re pleased with my work so far. But I want you to be honest. Show me the good, the bad and the ugly. Convict me if I’m still holding on to the old ways. Confirm in me the new ways. Read my mail from A to Z and send me on the next part of the journey with excitement and power.

Thank you for my ability to write. Thank you for my love of music - playing, listening and worshipping. Thank you for my sense of humor. My ability to turn a funny phrase. But also a depth to my thinking that I remember begging for when I was going to be a pastor. Thank you that time is truly a great teacher. And that you protected me and your church from the works of a sinful, self-centered young man.

He must increase and I must decrease. I think that’s one area I’m still lacking. Putting the needs of others over my own. I’d still rather get my own instead of serving. Help me with that.

Show me, deeper and deeper, where I’m going. What I need to do. The good, the bad, and the ugly. What a day ahead.

And finally, what about the Father’s Day thing? I need to do it, don’t I? OK, I’ll work on that later. I want insights from the Boot Camp to make their way into that. Help me be transparent to do so. Men are counting on it. They’re counting on me. I need you.

Boot Camp Journal, Part 1

Albany Airport - 4/6/05 - 4:20 pm.
Gate A4


Here I sit. Ready to go. I’m the only one here. Not a surprise. Bob and Dan will probably run in right at the end as the plane is boarding. Whatever. Tricia needed to get Rachel to dance class and Katie was sleeping. It would not have been worth it to get the girls inside. They couldn’t go through the security point, so they’d get out of the van to get right back in it.

Flight’s at 5:28. About an hour. That’s fine. It gives me time to write a little and start this journal. I’m hoping I’ll have plenty of time to write down what happens this weekend. I have a notebook with me, too; in case I can’t get to the laptop, I can transfer info from there to here. It might be easier if I wander off into the woods or something to just write it by hand first. We’ll see...

I’m really excited about the trip. I mean, a weekend in Colorado with John Eldredge is phenomenal enough. Then, to be able to travel. Go to Focus on the Family. Play a little golf? Seek the Lord while He may be found. Yeah, I don’t get to spend time with the four ladies while I’m gone. But, like John says, sometimes you have to go away to figure out what you’re supposed to do. Then, when you come back you can better serve those God calls you to serve.

Well, Lord, I thank you for this trip. I thank you that Bob was generous enough to give me air miles and the registration and everything. Thank you that he cares enough for me to want me to go. I’m excited about what’s going to happen. What you’re going to say. What you might birth in me. I ONLY WANT WHAT YOU WANT. I come with no agenda, no plans, no theories. I’m a blank slate. I realize in a greater way who I am and how you’ve made me. Now God I pray you finish the work you’ve begun. Bring it to completion. This is your weekend. There’s something waiting for me in Colorado. Deep and real and true and intimate. Help me to see it. Don’t let me miss it.

Don’t let me be distracted by garbage. Pettiness. The lust of my eyes. The lust of the world and the pride of life.

Jesus, be the center. Be my source. Be my guide. Jesus.
Be my hope. Be my peace.
Be the fire in my soul. Be the wind in my sails. You are the reason that I live. Jesus. Jesus.

I'm back!

Greetings, spring lovers! I'm back from my trip to Colorado. I got back near midnight last night. It was the most incredible experience of my life, way beyond description. The time with my Father in Heaven, the felowship with my new band of "older" brothers, and the awe-inspiring views of the Rockies. I am thrilled, though, to be back home in New York with my wife and the girls (and you...kissy kissy!).

You may have heard about the winter storm this past weekend out west, closing airports and roads. Yep, that was me. We were actually in Buena Vista, a little town at the foot of three great peaks, about two and a half hours west of Colorado Springs. Not much snow where we were. A light coating. In Colorado Springs proper, they got four or five inches. In between, in some of the passes, they got up to three feet! That's why we couldn't leave on time. Our flight never got cancelled, but we couldn't get to it. Oh, well...that just meant we got to see Garden of the Gods and Focus on the Family Monday, instead of our long travel day, which ended up being yesterday!

I don't have all the wonderful details of all God showed me and did this past week for you yet. Rest assured, they are coming. I've got nine pages of journals to pull from. And pictures. Lots of pictures. As they are developed, I'll get them posted here. Should've brought my digital camera. I feel like a doofus that I didn't. Bob, Danny, and Ben all had cameras. So I'll pull shots of Larry repelling, Mountain Goats, and the Ransomed Heart team soon.

Have to go for now. I'm actually at work on my lunch break. Didn't actually think I was going to get one today, but I did. Looking forward to putting all the details up here very soon.

"Fear not [there is nothing to fear]; for I am with you." Isaiah 41:10 (Amplified)

Anticipation

So I’m leaving for Colorado on Wednesday. Five other guys and I are going to spend four days at a ranch in the Rockies, along with 3-400 other guys, growing closer to God. We’ll probably do a little hiking. Repelling - which is kind of like falling off a mountain, just with a rope to protect you against certain doom - is also a potential activity. Most of the time will be devoted to sessions with John Eldredge and his team, leading us in deeper ways to know who God is and how our hearts were designed for the battles we face every day. I assume there will be massive amounts of time where God and I can just do one-on-one time, watching snow covered peaks and, hopefully, clear blue skies.

If you haven’t guessed by the tone of the first paragraph, I’m absolutely geeked up to go this week. On many of the Ransomed Heart message boards, guys talk about how the boot camp is the event of a lifetime. You have to work hard for God not to do deep work in your heart. The more I read, the more excited I get. I am convinced God is going to show me so much and accomplish profound work in areas where I don’t even realize I need work.

Now I’ve been excited about things before. It’s natural to have a sense of expectation for an event that you KNOW is going to powerful spiritually like I know the Boot Camp is going to be. I think in the days leading up to the other events, I was TOO excited. What I mean is I was so focused on God speaking at the special event - “What’s God going to do? Hmmm...I wonder...“ - that I’d take it too far and all but write out God’s plan.

Am I the only one who’s ever done this? Our church had prophetic ministry about five years ago which we were going to be selected for. We were called to fast and pray for the time, which Tricia and I both did. In hopes of fulfilling what were seriously misguided aspirations, I had convinced myself that God was going to use that time to speak to the world how great I was and how I was destined to lead some world-reknown ministry. Boy was it going to be GREAT! Until the two men of God proceeded to spend most of their time ministering to my wife. Tricia received good stuff, don’t get me wrong - they read her mail! But I wanted them to read MY mail! It’s not fair! (insert pouty face here) The basic problem, other than my obvious selfishness and pride, was that I was so geared for what I wanted God to say, I was completely unprepared for what He DID say. It wasn’t until months later that I read the transcript and could really appreciate what God had said and rejoice with my wife.

My foolish expectancy was taking the place of the request I should have been making - "God, speak from Your heart to mine! Your will be done!" But instead, I'd concoct numerous scenes in my mind of how God ought to do His will, to my ultimate satisfaction. I lay my plans on the altar and ask God to bless them. How can I do this? It’s like the scriptural analogy of the pot telling the potter what it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to presume on God what He’s going to say or do? Crazy! But I think we all do it from time to time. Ultimately, we want to be in control. It’s just simpler for us if we write up the “to-do” list and have God rubber stamp it. But God rarely, if ever, does things the way we want. And we waste so much time deceiving ourselves before and after God speaks, God simply speaks out of obligation, because He promised He would. We don’t seem to really be all that interested in what he has to say. We like our ideas better.

In advance of the Boot Camp, the preparation time has been much different. First, I have NO IDEA what’s coming. This Boot Camp is uncharted territory, literally. I have some generalities, but that’s it. It’s hard to create stories about what’s going to happen without a backdrop to help you. Second, through the web site for the Boot Camp, they gave us guys very specific items for preparation, the Daily prayer and other devotional reading. I have those to concentrate on instead of letting my mnd wander to formulating plots and stories. Third, I’m deliberately asking God to speak; not only about the trip (if He so chooses) but about today! Today is a gift, and I can lose it very easily if I don't focus on it intently. Really, we can lose our grip on ANY day if we’re not focused on what God has put before us. Fourth, tied closely to the third, is that God is speaking! In actively seeking Him, He's been faithful! He has given me deep insights on things going on today. (This blog site being one of them!)

What’s the point? You may have big things in your life - promises, events, plans for specific days and times. We need to not live by the “mile-markers”, but by every single white line in the road. God has very clear direction available for us every day, from His word, His people, and His voice. Let your life in him not be defined by the big show, but by the small rehearsal. Remember Elijah after the thrilling defeat of the prophets of Baal? He went to the mountain expecting God to come across like the weatherman - thunder and lightning and so on. Imagine the prophet’s surprise when God spoke up in the tiniest of voices. Well, isn’t that a fine how do you do? I’ll bet the still small voice was nowhere on Elijah’s radar. God, however, had much different plans. At the time, God needed to reveal to Elijah His care for an individual soul. God could only accomplish that through the little voice. He knows better than you what you need. Do you really believe that?

Be ready for those type of alternate plans. His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are not our thoughts. Leave it at that and let God do what He wants how He wants. Don’t put him in a box. Don’t get too far ahead of Him. Don’t demand your way. Don’t do anything - except listen and believe for each day’s best. He will help you. He will show you His plan. And it will be exactly right.

Well, that’s it for tonight. My next post will be some excerpts form my journaling on the trip. God bless!

Simplicity

“ ’Tis the gift to be simple,
‘Tis the gift to be free,
‘Tis the gift to come down where you ought to be.
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.”
---Joseph Brackett, Jr. Simple Gifts 1848

“Do you know who you are? You are who you is.
You is who you am.”
--- Frank Zappa

I used to manage a branch of a well-known temporary labor agency (names will be withheld to protect the innocent!). While many of the workers had great attitudes and it was a pleasure helping them make money, there were some we would just as soon strangle. Let’s just say their work ethic left something to be desired. No matter how menial the task they were given, they would find a way to either mess it up or, worse, to become so bored that they’d just quit. Often, that meant they’d be found behind the building sleeping, drinking liquor, or doing drugs. My job was demanding enough without having to spend most of my day doing damage control over what the workers messed up. One of my customer service representatives was a great lady named Yvette. Before she would hand any worker their ticket, she would say, “I want eight solid (hours) out of you. NO DRAMA, YOU HEAR ME? NO DRAMA! I‘m gonna have me a good day!”.

No drama. I almost want to wear a sandwich board to announce it everywhere I go, just to warn people of my mental state. You see, by nature I’m a fairly calm and structured person. I wouldn’t say I’m organized. That’s the guy in my church who has a schedule for rotating his mattress. That’s not me. I admire his abilities from afar, but that’s not me.

Mine is more of a personality trait. I strive to be steady and loyal. Give me a list of things to do, get out of my way, and watch me do them. I know my limits. Don’t give me too much or I’ll go nuts. Don’t make me go too fast either. I need to concentrate on what I’m doing and if I speed up, I’ll ruin it. Don’t make excuses either. Put your hand to the plow and get to work. I’ll see you at the end. Maybe that’s why I love shopping. It’s a challenge to be focused. I can get all the groceries for a week in a little under an hour. That includes driving time. No messing around or rabbit trails.

There’s just one problem. Almost everyone else in my life is the exact opposite of me. Some days I laugh at it. Most days I’m screaming inside. They provide my daily dose of “drama”.

I knew a girl in college named Erica. She was fifteen minutes late for everything. You know people like that. Oh, you’ll be late for your own funeral. Once, I met her at her dorm room, then we were going to meet other friends for dinner. I’m waiting as she’s puttering around her room, doing this and that. And I’m waiting. I have no idea what she was achieving, maybe she did. Still waiting. And waiting some more. We ended up very late for dinner. I was mumbling death threats under my breath. Being late was so unnecessary and for me, painfully irritating! How can anyone live like that? I swore I would never be that late for everything. And I’d most certainly NEVER marry a girl who was like that.

Then along came Tricia, God’s perfect help meet for me. Well, she’ll be coming along soon. She’s running a few minutes late.

I work for two guys that I love dearly. They are two of the band of brothers that I’m going with to Colorado on Wednesday. I wouldn’t give up my job for anything. God put me there, literally. (I’ll tell that story some other time) And as men, I admire them greatly. They are fantastic leaders, visionaries, and businessmen. Do you feel the ‘but’ coming on? BUT one of them has ADD, while the other is completely undiagnosed. The absolute frantic pace they keep up most days just about kills me. Phone calls, appointments, projects - tons of irons in the fire. Always a lengthy “to do” list and three to five things going on all at the same time. To them, they’re just going through a day. Lots of things on the agenda and they all need to be done. To me, they’re teetering on the brink of complete anarchy. I get overwhelmed just writing this about them!

Are my wife and my co-workers in my life to drive me to the nice quiet room with the padded walls? Yes, Mr. Barkman, we have a nice new jacket for you. It’s the latest style - buckles in the BACK! I used to think so. I want to move to a deserted island and leave all the drama home. BYE-BYE!! And, to be honest, this article actually started out as a “God is telling everyone to slow down and be quiet” type of thing. But I don’t think that’s right. Unless you need it. Then, hey! SLOW DOWN!!!!!

Seriously though, I think God puts opposite people in our lives for a couple of reasons. First, is to learn how to deal successfully with ALL people. In church, work, or our communities, we are closely interconnected. Don’t let all this cyberspace stuff fool you - there will never be a day when we won’t have some personal interaction with other humans. We are communicative creatures. We crave togetherness. It’s part of our make-up. It’s easy for people of like mind to get along. It’s a natural fit, things just flow easily. But how many people do you know like that? I’m guessing few, if any. You probably pray for them to come along!

The hard part comes when the oil and water need to get together. They’re everywhere. So if you’re going to be successful, if you’re going to make it through life without having your brain explode, you’d better learn how to get along. Peace, joy and fulfillment in our relationships come when we can recognize the differences and appreciate them, not try to change them. What good thing have I taken from my two brothers, the “sons of the tornado”? Their energy level is inspiring! They are tireless in their pursuits, whatever they may be. Look at all they accomplish! It is incredible. As I trained with one of them before getting my state license, I realized I could never operate at his pace once I was working on my own. But looking back, if we had not worked at that pace, he never would’ve been able to teach me everything I needed to learn. And I’d never be as successful as I am now.

The second thing we learn is to appreciate the personality God put in us. You can call it “finding yourself” if you like. It is tied to the true heart. It’s the foundation. I think a big reason I’ve realized in a deeper way who God has made me is because I’m around my two brothers at work and my wife and I’m aware of who I’m NOT. When we can accept ourselves and they way we relate best to the world around us, everything kind of clicks. Little disagreements with people don’t matter as much because “that’s just the way he is”. Work goes easier because we learn our limitations and we establish priorities. Church life is better because we don’t over extend ourselves or jump into ministries we‘re not suited for. Marriages are smoother because we are not trying to be our spouses’ image of who we are. Our mission statements get refined. Life seems to make more sense.
Don’t apologize or disavow the way God made you. And don’t let others make you feel less important because you are who you are. IT’S NOT WRONG!!!!! Rejoice in it! Because you’re tapping in to the DNA structure God set up for you.

So, though I don’t like the drama, I guess I need it.

Author’s note: Ask Danny if I can have some of his “happy pills”. I think I’m going to need them!